Thanksgiving in June

Why must we wait until November to be thankful for the blessings in our lives?

1. My life: My birthday is this weekend and I'm very happy to be healthy and blessed. I have two years until my 40th birthday (and my tattoo!).

We lost two friends this year who just crossed their 40th birthdays. It's important not to take our health - physical and mental - for granted. I'm motivated and determined to stay in better shape and am receiving positive support. I also promise to take better care of myself by scheduling my visits to the doctors and dentist as well.

2. My family: I'm grateful for the love and support of my husband and daughter. Our house is noisy and crazy, and as often as I yell "Quiet!" I know it would not be the same without them. My parents are wonderful and loving (and they're available to babysit as long as it doesn't interfere with the SaReGaMa broadcast this Sat!) I'm also proud of my younger sister and brother and their accomplishments. They've come along way and are definitely on the road to success. I know the road ahead is not easy, but they'll do really well.

3. My girlfriends: My wonderful girlfriends are always there. There are some who are an email away; we support and advise each other through our daily grind.

Then, I have a band of great local girlfriends. I'm known to be the Organizer - always coordinating our girls' outings and showers, setting up e-vite and excel sheets. I think it's so important for us to step away from our roles as mothers and wives to have some time time to be "girls" again.

This evening, they organized themselves to give me a surprise birthday dinner! I know it's hard for everyone to take a break from their family obligations (a cell phone still rings through dinner about a crying child).

So, it's even more special to be appreciated by friends. I've gone through different phases of my life with friendships and am happy to have such close and open relationships now. And, I can still hit my friend M who thinks I'm years younger than her even though we are born 23 days apart.

4. My career: I'm so grateful for the direction my job has taken this year. Last year at this time, I was overwhelmed and crying at my desk because I felt abandoned by so many people and my company. This year, there's been changes and positive momentum building. I'm amazed at the visibility and recognition I've received and how many doors are opening for me. It's amazing what a difference a year makes.

5. My Writing: Ok, this is the most incredible news for the evening! My poem "Tanzania" has been published in Thema literary book! I received this acceptance in the past, but I considered it like others I've received. I am hestitant to believe it until I see it.

Now, I see it and I still can't believe! I actually started jumping up and down in the kitchen when I saw my name on the book. My daughter laughed, "Mommy's jumping up and down!"

While "Tanzania" is not the best poem, it's a simple poem, written to describe a moment. I remember I had stopped at a coffee shop somewhere after a job interview on a rainy day.

I saw the book when I came home from work. I was actually reading while driving somewhere and it just filled me up with emotion. It seemed so different, and I could appreciate this from a distance. Seeing it in print, in a book made me feel removed from it. I'm used to seeing it in Tahoma 10pt font, all on one page. Not holding it in a book.

By the way, not everything is perfect. There are some major issues happening now, but I think it's important to accentuate the positive. Life will never be smooth. It's like the story of the man who stood in front of the ocean. Someone asked him, "Why aren't you going in?" He said, "I'm waiting for the waves to stop."

The waves won't stop, but you can still enjoy the warm sunshine, the fresh salty air and the grains of sand between your toes.

Bubbles (My Poems): Pottery Barn Days

Pottery Barn Days

These precious people live in homes with soft creamy linen slipped sofas
and clear glass cylinders brimming with white seashells
on the Espresso end tables.

The Ivory and Havana Dark Weave furniture enjoy the
clean ocean breezes, immune to the rage of elements.

They eat heartily at clambakes. Tables set
with colanders in a nautical blues and reds,
plump lemons for the lobsters and white pails to collect the shells,
and bottles of Pinot Grigio knotted with sand-dollars.

The catalog says it brings family back together.

On The Job Training- Motherhood: Tooth Update

The tooth fell out this week!

If you wiggle it enough and keep showing it off to your friends, it will come out. The teacher said there was a bit of excitement since some other kids have not lost a tooth yet and everyone wanted to see. They put the tooth in a ziploc bag, wrote "Annika's tooth" and put it in her cubby.

However, when I came to pick her up, it was not there. (My sister's theory is an enterprising classmate must have pocketed it hoping to get some money from the tooth fairy).

Annika was disappointed about that and I said we'll draw a picture of the tooth and place it in her toothfairy box.

In the meantime, she's happy to show off the "window in her mouth" to anyone and everyone!

By the way, I was planning to tuck quarters in the box. Now, I've heard the going rate is in dollars!

Michael Buble Lyrics

I love Michael Buble's version of "Feeling Good" from his "Caught in the Act" CD and DVD. The horns and percussion in the back plus his style make this song absolutely sultry and steamy.
(watch the video)


Feeling Good

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

*********************************
This is another beautiful song and I'm always moved by the lyrics because I think of people who are away from loved ones - whether it is due to immigration, employment or military deployment. I love the lines: And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you...Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough. My words were cold and flat, And you deserve more than that.

(watch the video)

Home

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you?
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

Conundrums

We know the chicken crossed the road, but is there a reason for geese to cross the road when they can fly across the street?
PA is covered by wild geese this time of year. We watch their goslings waddle behind them in May and by summer's end, they're stronger birds. It is charming to see the parent geese lead the family across the street: first, an adult goose sticks his neck out, scopes the scene. It looks clear. Another adult will follow behind cautiously, but a little more casually than the first adult. The flock of youngesters will come behind them.

However, when this occurs on two-way road leading into a major shopping center, it can be a problem. Traffic is halted, cars are sweering, motorists are confused because geese don't understand horns. Then, other drivers believe they know what the geese are thinking and try to go around them. It is sad to see a hapless and lifeless victim along side the road. I haven't seen any this year, so may be they are learning the local traffic laws.

My neighbor piles high her garbage. She has boxes, broken furniture and 2-3 large containers overflowing with junk, as if they're cleaning out the basement or garage. But, every week?!!
We're just amazed at how much garbage she has every week. She has an older house and her children are all young adults. Are the children bringing home junk from elsewhere? Our bigger issue is not her contributions to the landfills, but the placement of the overflowing cans. They place them at the corner of our shared road to comply with the garbage company's request. However, to make a left turn, one has to edge forward to see the road because the garbage blocks the view. If you can't see properly, you can either knock over the garbage or get knocked over by another vehicle you didn't see.

We just don't get it why they have excessive trash.

My daughter doesn't look like me, I look like her!
Since she was born, my daughter looks like my husband. Even with your eyes closed, you can tell she looks like him. But, every now and then, when I make certain facial expressions in the mirror, I am reminded of her. I think it's in the eyes. She does have my eyes, though hers are more almond shaped. I don't see myself in her, but I see her in me. Maybe this is one of those unusual side effects of parenthood - you absorb your child's traits.

On the Job Training: Motherhood -- Kindergarten Graduation

Yes, she is a Kindergarten Graduate! Her school had a small ceremony the other night. I was surprised to see the children had blue and gold caps and gowns! It was absolutely adorable. They sang a few songs, and then names were announced to receive their "diploma." Grandparents and parents all gathered around, armed with video cameras, digital cameras, and cell phones to record the moments. Lemonade and cookies were served and Annika took pictures with all her best friends and teacher. Her teachers gave a small box with a note: "Do Not Open Until High School Graduation - 2019 - No Peeking" I put it away in the basement. Someone remind me 12 years from now.

It's been a tough year for us with KG. She goes to public school KG in the morning and other school for afternoon KG. In December, the teacher at the other school left after many years. (They bought a house, and I knew no one would commute an hour to teach KG.)

The new teacher was older and experienced in teaching in private schools from preschool to 2nd grade. She had high expectations for educational skills and interpersonal skills. She kept a routine of reading/writing in the morning and math in the afternoon.

However, because of the part time status of majority children, this was unbalanced. As an afternoon KG student, she missed reading/writing activities, but had math every day. Annika was crying because she hated math. Seriously, doing math every day after lunch would make ME cry. So, she would be bored, not do her work and the teacher would complain to me.

I wasn't sure what to do. I'm working with Annika at home and trying to build a bit of enthusiasm about math. Seriously, if she's this against KG math, how will we survive until high school? However, I told her she had to deal with the teacher. She's going to have lots of teachers that she doesn't like, but has to get used to it.

Fortunately, this teacher left in May. The new teacher is a recent college graduate, so she's very eager and open. And, now KG is over.

I still have some issues with Annika's development - extreme lack of attention and focus. I'm torn because I do like these traits -- she's creative, logical, curious, can draw conclusions and is very smart. However, she's on another planet when classwork is being done. I've seen this in her violin class where the other children are sitting quietly, and she's squirming, picking at her bow, fussing with her hair. She misses the instructions and doesn't know what to do.

It's frustrating as a parent because I know she can do it. I know she knows her math, her reading, her violin. I've seen her ace these things, so I'm not pressuring her to do something outside of her skillset. All we want her to do is pay attention. Oh, meals take 30+ minutes to consume because she's talking or just dreaming.

My friends with older kids are telling me to chill out and see what happens in first grade. Apparently there's a leap kids take between KG and 1st. If she takes a hop in the right direction, I'll be happy.

Pan's Labyrinth - Addendum

I had browsed the Message Board at the website for this movie last week, but am just now able to follow up with some thoughts.

As an English literature major, a film student and art enthusiast, I love to look for symbols and meanings in art. What I love most is that the artist gives forth his/her work intending one meaning, but many more can be gleaned from it.

Also, artists are not solitary creatures - they are inspired by critical elements in our world, such as history, politics, literature, mythology.

On the message board, people pointed out different symbols in this movie. I don't know how many were purposefully composed by the filmmaker and how many were brought forth by the viewers.

Alice in Wonderland: Ofelia's new dress was reminiscent of Alice's dress in the stories. As she climbed into the tree, one expected a drop down the rabbit hole. Someone also pointed out the Faun is like the Cheshire Cat - leading in a quizzical manner and sudden (dis)appearances. I'm not too keen to agree on this one. I don't the Cheshire Cat had as much power or knowledge as the Faun does.

Greek Mythology: The Pale Man is much like the Gray Witches (the Graeae), who had one tooth and one eye between them. If you remember your "Clash of the Titans," Perseus had held the eye hostage until they told him what he needed to know.

Also, Persephone was snatched by Hades and taken to the Underworld. Part of the 'contract for her release' was that she should not have eaten anything. Unfortunately, she had eaten pomegranete seeds. So, she was able to return home for few months and then return. (It is during her duration in Hades the world falls into Winter because Demeter is in mourning for her daughter).

So, Ofelia was told not to eat anything from the Pale Man's table, but she ate some grapes, which unleashed danger.

Grimm's Tales: The Pale Man's table, laden with scrumptious food, is enticing to children as the witch's house in "Hansel and Gretel."

Spirited Away: I have only seen Miyazaki's "Spirited Away", and the opening scene where Ofelia finds an ancient mossy statue in the forest reminded me of that movie. Now, on the message board, someone explains Guillermo Del Toro is a fan of Miyazaki and this was a nod to him.

If you've seen this movie and have more insights to offer, please do!

Review: Pan's Labyrinth

A long time ago, in the underground realm, where there are no lies or pain, there lived a Princess who dreamed of the human world. She dreamed of blue skies, soft breeze, and sunshine. One day, eluding her keepers, the Princess escaped. Once outside, the brightness blinded her and erased every trace of the past from her memory. She forgot who she was and where she came from. Her body suffered cold, sickness, and pain. Eventually, she died. However, her father, the King, always knew that the Princess' soul would return, perhaps in another body, in another place, at another time.

And he would wait for her, until he drew his last breath, until the world stopped turning...

I watched Pan's Labyrinth knowing only that it won multiple Oscars (Best Cinematography, Best Art Direction and Best Make Up). And, that it was not a kid's movie and would be scary.

This movie was absolutely beautiful and its elements churned in our minds all night. I wish it were a book I had read first, since I find it easier to digest dark topics of fantasy and violence on page than on screen.

The story is elegantly made as it juxtaposes Facist Spain in 1944 with an escapist world of fairies and fauns. It is definitely violent and I shall admit to the blogosphere that I had the blanket over my head during some torture scenes and begged my husband to fast forward. Yet, it was the violence of the human world that was more horrifying than the mystical creatures. The true monsters were not imagined.

Ofelia, played by Ivana Baquero, was captivating. Her character was to be simple, but wise beyond her years. And, the young actress really brought this forth.

I loved Maribel Verdu who had played Luisa in "Y Tu Mama Tambien" (my review) and she was so powerful in this film.

I had heard comedians asking what's up with the imagery of genitalia in the poster. After seeing the movie, there is a strong current of birth, death, and rebirth. All of these symbols tie together and they come in different ways. So, yes, it is quite obvious motif as she walks through channels, holes and other symbols of birthing.

There's another theme of trust in a time of war and fantasies. Who do you trust? Do you trust a mother to always be there for you? A husband? A doctor? A faun? Can you trust a Princess to follow directions and not her natural impulses?

This movie takes magical elements "Harry Potter", the dark danger of "LOTR" and douses them with "The Diary of Anne Frank."

It's the End of the World

I just heard this song on the radio, which revived memories of my college days. Actually, REM, INXS, and 10,000 Maniacs were the background music for the my college years.

As for this particular phrase, freshman year Andy Rosenberg stood on a bench in the middle of Quad 2 and bellowed, “It’s the end of the world as we know it.” Why? There was a gush of wind and a storm was acoming. (A little over the top proclamation, methinks)

Then, a month later he swung open my dorm room door and announced “it's the end of the world as we know it!” It was Oct 19, 1987 and the stock market just crashed. This time, we all drew our breaths. But, we all continued going to classes and enjoying our freshman year.

I personally had other moments in college when I thought it was the end of the world. Specifically, there were:

- the MacroEconomics final exam results

- George Bush Sr. getting elected. We had cheered on Dukakis so actively, and my roommate E and I could only look sadly at the TV.

- 1989 US invasion of Panama. Should have realized this was going to be a new trend in US History.

- the Persian Gulf War. My roommate L and I were wondering if our friends would get drafted. Then we giggled hysterically imagining our geeky friends with guns.

- the Valentine’s Day I wore black and other broken heart moments

However, if you come out of college with one piece of knowledge it's that life does keep going on. Actually, I used to think marriage was going to be the end of the world. When it didn't and life actually got better, I was surprised...

And I feel fine!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Title: R.E.M. - It's The End Of The World lyrics
Artist: REM

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane and Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs. Feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, the Ladder start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire in a fire, representing seven games, and a government for hire at a combat site. Left of west and coming in a hurry with the furys breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped. Look at that low playing. Fine, then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do to Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn. Lock it in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle, light a motive. Step down, step down. Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

The other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic, slam bug net, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine...fine...

On the Job Training: Motherhood - Paging the Tooth Fairy

Her tooth is loose! Actually, there are two loose teeth!

She has been obsessing about this for months. “Everyone in my class has big teeth.” “[insert name of current BFF] has window in her mouth.” “Oh, I think my tooth is loose,” as she grabs a molar.

It’s hard to explain to Annika that she’s been on a different teething cycle than the rest of her peers. She didn’t get her first tooth until she was almost 11 months old. However, she apparently had all the symptoms since she was 3 months. Whenever she chewed something or cried a lot, people said, “Oh, she must be teething.” Yeah, teething more gums. That December, I would sing “All I want for Christmas are my two front teeth” to her.

On May 5th, her first tooth was finally loose, she proudly announced it to everyone we met that day. The doorman said hello and she said, “my tooth is loose!” We introduced her to a new friend and she said, “my tooth is loose!”

We went to the dentist a few weeks ago and I saw her X-rays with the next two teeth ready to pop out. It’s just about any time now.

Sadly, when my first teeth fell out, I felt guilty. My parents had always said, “If you don’t brush your teeth, your teeth will fall out.” One day it was wiggling and then.. wow.. it’s really out! Oh no, I haven’t been brushing properly! They were right!

Also, Indian parents don’t promote this tooth fairy business. My second tooth fell out in the car coming back from Jones Beach when I was 6 years old. I was actually eating a hot dog and the tooth was stuck in the hot dog. My aunt was right there, and she told me to throw the tooth out the window. In fact, go ahead and throw the hot dog out the window, too. My American friends actually profited from this?

So, I don't mind if Annika believes in the tooth fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. I used to think it was a mean thing parents did, but now I see it differently. Their enthusiasm and delight is really special.

I found a Tooth Fairy Box from a gift shop. It’s a really cute box with a pillow and a small note card is enfolded to capture the date. There’s a mirror so they can see the “window in their mouth.” I chose a purple one with a girl with flowing brown hair on a white horse – all of the elements for a perfect gift. Annika was excited and she placed it on her shelf. She often goes to the box and just looks at it.

Stay tuned for further updates! By the way, I’m sticking with quarters for each tooth. I don’t care what the going rate is for bicuspids or incisors.

Movie Review: 1971

We watched Amit Sagar's debut film, "1971" last night and loved it.

The story is about Indian POW's from the India-Pakistan war of 1971, who in 1977 should have been released. Yet, they were detained in Pakistan and forgotten. This film follows their escape from imprisonment to India.

It's smart and realistic. As military men, they were good at planning and strategizing, as well as combat. The elements of a good action were definitely woven into the film. Again, this is a sample of the new class of films coming from India - side stepping the traditional Bollywood masala. Also, they made an effort to show a balance of positive and negative impressions of Pakistan -- there are people who want to help them.

I liked seeing the diversity of the Indian army. It's made of Indians - Hindus, Sikhs, Muslims and Chrisitans. Each soldier mentioned his home, scattered throughout India, indicating the diverse communities. Yet, their love for their country was the strongest. The characters are human and credible.

The heartbreaking part is to recognize POW's are still not home. They said there were 54 Indian POW's in Pakistan who were last seen alive in 1988.

My husband's family has suffered the loss of one member who was in the Indian military. He died on a mission and was duly granted the Indian Air Force's Vayu Sena medal of honor in 1968. For us, the ache of military life comes close to home. To know that a family member is alive and is unjustedly imprisoned would be unbearable.

At the end of the movie, they list the POW's who have not returned home. While the rest of the movie may have been fictionalized, it is moving to put real names and faces to the story.

Here is a great Mother's Day card I received this weekend. The pictures are definitely cute with butterflies and flowers - a running theme among all her artwork; the princesses, mermaids and friends from school are noticeably

The pink form is a sample of "kid writing" that both of her KG programs are encouraging. Children are supposed to write the words phonetically. Whatever they spell is acceptable and it gives them a chance to work freely on their letters. I asked her to read it aloud for me.

My Mother
My mom is 26 years old.
(hey, this is creative writing..not math. So, she's off by 10, but I'm happy!)

My mom's favorite color is blue
(don't have a particular favorite color, so this works)

My mom's favorite food is salmon
(We had salmon at my sister's and we all enjoyed it. Just recently she saw me eat fish, as I'm a vegetarian)

My mom likes to swim and cooking
(I'm not a big swimmer, but we spent some time in the pool together and had a lot of fun!)

My mom is special
(Just to hear her read that to me was wonderful)

My mom is good
(Whew! So all those "bad mother" moments have been forgotten!)

I have to add that I didn't see the importance of Mother's Day until I became one. I remember dubbing it a "Hallmark holiday" when I was in my 20's and frantically searching for gifts.

Now, I understand why my parents always refused the extravagant gifts we wanted to give them. There is no way a child can repay his/her parents for what they've done. These tokens of appreciation make you happy as a parent and ensure you that you are on the right track.

Until I became a parent, I did not realize how much hard work it was. Being a father is demanding, but women make more silent sacrifices. We know if we don't do it for our children, no one else will.

My girlfriends and I celebrated Mother's Day with a spa day this weekend. One friend had her husband and family babysitting her little girl for the day. She still received numerous phone calls. It struck me that in her situation 5 adults could not take over the job of 1 mother for one day. No one realizes her contributions until she is absent.

To all the mothers, you are remembered!

Girl's and Self-Esteem

I've mentioned before that I'm the anti-Bratz mom. I was sent this article, "Are Bratz Dolls Too Sexy," which raises some interesting points: The Bratz Web site is rife with examples that seem to play to that point. While waiting for the transition from one screen to another, the message flashes “Please wait … it takes time to look this good.” And included in the “profiles” of the dolls is each one’s “favorite body part.” “Little girls shouldn’t be thinking of their body parts in that way,” says Linn. “Plus, the very idea of a ‘favorite’ part encourages you to think about your least favorite.”

I haven't let my daughter onto this site at all. The sites she does visit are:
NickJr, Noggin, Sprouts Online, StarFall, Playhouse Disney, PBS Kids and I will be honest and admit she likes Barbie.com. However, we'll balance it out more. **

As a mother, I'm concerned about my daughter's self esteem and how she will develop an attitude towards her own body and those of others. I'm very conscious about not talking about fat, but steering the conversation to health (e.g., it's important to exercise so you can stay healthy and live long). Annika's perfectly slender - actually too thin, per my mother. But who knows what she's going to hear and see from friends.

I came across Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty site, which has a mother-daughter decoder. I loved it because some of the translations are right on target. I think as a parent we shouldn't forget what went through our minds when we were on the other side. When I assure Annika that she looks attractive no matter what, I remember my parents saying the same thing. However, I used to wave off their comments because they HAVE to say I'm pretty.

Also, the Dove site is good because of the anonymous forum where young girls can reach out to other women for guidance and input.

This is one more challenge we have as mothers.

** Side note for kids on the computer: I created a separate Guest user ID for her without ability to download programs. Also, the password is her name so she enjoys typing it out. Lastly, I made all of her sites shortcuts on the desktop. So she can open directly to the site. This works for us now. We'll see what security measures need to be in place when she can actually read!

Leaves That Fell In The Middle Of Spring.

We saw the leaves fall this spring.
Wasn’t the tree always going to be lush,
adorned with green buds and white blossoms?
All the others were.

Why, the leaves are life of the tree!
They dance and sing with the wind,
and they tickle the young buds until they laugh.

We don’t know why, but the leaves loosened themselves.
It was too early.
Not fair.
No, it cannot be.
They had not felt the June sun nor tasted the August heat.
The young buds need their shade to grow
into delicious fruits of September.
They must stay.

The tree tried to hold onto them
“Just a bit longer.”
And, even when the stems were thin
the pain to cling was too much,
the leaves still believed they would stay
and keep the branches warm.

Along came a calm April breeze, which circled her arms
around the leaves. Quietly cradled each leaf and
carried them afar.
They were free to float and frolic.
They missed their tree,
but had another journey to follow.

The tree stands with a wide, open embrace.
If you listen to the rustle of the leaves in May,
you’ll hear the whisper of the melody they left behind.


In memory of leaves that fell this spring

- Dr. Padmaja Shinde 1966 – 2007

- Boney Dhar 1964 - 2007

Movie Review - Volver

Penelope Cruz was nominated as best leading actress for the Oscar for her role in "Volver." I haven't seen too many of her films, but she acted very well in this film. The film's storyline was unique as a mother returns from the dead and there are lots of secrets - some deadly ones are told early on, and others are revealed at the end.

This movie is about mothers and daughters. They show Raimunda's relationship with her mother when she was alive and how it differed after her death. And, then a mother and daughter have a second chance at their relationship. There's another woman who needs closure and a resolution with her own mother. Also, Raimunda's fierce love for her daughter is so strong and shows what she will sacrifice for her daughter. She plays a practical, astute, and strong woman.

I'll be sexist and say I'm impressed a male director/writer, Pedro Almovodar, had executed the depiction of the complex mother-daughter relationship so well. There are lots of strong women in this - the mothers, the daughter and even the local prostitute is a smart and strong woman.

I had to laugh at certain shots which focused directly on Penelope's beautiful cleavage, either in profile or an aerial shot down her shirt. And, her breasts even become topic of conversations -- only in European films! (Bollywood shows everything, but pretends it doesn't.)

By the way, I think she has the most beautiful eyes, which bat and tear for the camera as well.

It reeks of being a chick-flick, but it's not -- there's a corpse in the midst.

On the Job Training: Motherhood - Managing Expectations

"She's really smart, but she doesn't apply herself."

I heard this phrase throughout elementary, middle and high school. My parents were pushing me and teachers were encouraging me. I got A's in certain subjects that interested me, but I remained B+ in subjects that didn't interest me, namely math. I received my first A in math my junior year and I credit the teacher for communicating it so well.

I'm in a situation now with my daughter - a mere Kindergartner - and the teacher tells me she's not doing well in math. She dreams or she chats, doesn't speak up if she knows the answer and doesn't complete assignments on time.

This is so familiar to me. I had trouble finishing college exams on time and had to learn how to do that. So, I do not want this pattern to repeat in her.

We all know Indian parents who push the child into math, science or engineering majors. They shuttle kids to spelling bees, enrichment classes and other tutorials to make sure the child is above average. Kids are punished for getting 95, not 100 on exams.

I heard this commentary, "In Praise of Normal Kids" by Ayelet Waldeman yesterday on NPR. The story she said about bemoaning that her 1st grader was reading only at the 1st grade level hit home with me.

I'm not out to make my daughter a super scholar. I want her to be at the level I know she can be. She's very sharp, logical and curious. She likes to draw her own conclusions.

To hear that she's not doing well in math, or have her cry that the boys are good at math breaks my heart and infuriates me.

Frankly speaking, I feel the problem is with the teacher's style. I'm not about to change schools or anything. However, my plan is to reinforce her understanding of math with home practice and build her confidence. I had a horrible teacher in 6th grade. I had gone to India for an extended vacation and when I returned, she never sat with me to explain fractions. I failed tests. My father sat with me and explained quietly how this worked. Suddenly, everything made sense and I did very well. I'm still shocked at that woman's attitude.

Anyway, I had decided to speak my daughter's language. I pulled out her tea set plates and said, "We're going to have a party and invite 5 friends. Now Hannah and Rachel are coming. How many more plates do we need?"

She counts the plates, "Seven!"

"Ok, now Hannah and Rachel are not coming."

"Why are they not coming!! I want them to come!!" she cried.

Sigh.

So, I'll try more games. I've found worksheets on line. I've found magnetic pieces for counting.

However, is this right or too much? What about her peers who come to school for 2 hours of KG? They go home to play, while mine is in supplemental KG program. People are talking about Kumon and summer enrichment classes.

I don't know. We'll just do this one step at a time.

Shakespeare's Day

William Shakespeare was born on April 23, 1564 and died on April 23, 1616.

We were reading "Romeo and Juliet" in 9th grade and Mrs. Ekholm brought in cupcakes to celebrate. To add a twist, she asked everyone to quote a line from Shakespeare in order to receive a cupcake.

Just about everyone went up and said, "O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?" or "But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?" I had to be different and chose, "He jests at scars that never felt a wound." Mrs. Ekholm actually gripped my arm and froze. She loved it! This was said by Romeo when the guys were making fun of his lovesickness. Ironically, I often think of that line when people make comments or make light of someone else's situation.

Another favorite line of mine from Romeo and Juliet was "See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!O, that I were a glove upon that hand,That I might touch that cheek!"

I always liked the following scene, more so after I saw the Leonardo Di Caprio and Claire Danes performance in Baz Luhrmann's film. The way it was depicted was beautiful, as they started with their palms touching to their first kiss. The language is so full of double meaning, it's pure desire.


ROMEO [To JULIET]
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

ROMEO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

ROMEO
Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

JULIET
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO
Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

JULIET
You kiss by the book.

How hot is "give me my sin again"!?
Another powerful scene is the final death scene. Again, in the Baz Luhrmann version, as he dies and she awakens they see each other. Yet, it is too late. That makes it hurt even more.


JULIET:
What's here? a cup, closed in my true love's hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:
O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop
To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;
Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,
To make die with a restorative.
Kisses him

Thy lips are warm.

First Watchman
[Within] Lead, boy: which way?

JULIET
Yea, noise? then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!
Snatching ROMEO's dagger

This is thy sheath;

Stabs herself.

I don't get entangled in the scholarly controversies of whether Shakespeare wrote his own work or not. I simply enjoy what the world has.

On the Job Training: Motherhood - An Imus Moment

So, we're at dinner with friends and I was quite animated in telling a story to a friend. I can't even recall now what story it was, but at one point I said, "Then she said 'Shut up, just go!'" and we were laughing.

I felt a small tug on my left.

"Mommy, I heard you say a bad word."

I quickly rewound the story in my head and realized I did say "Shut up." This is a term we've marked as a 'bad word' in our house.

"I'm sorry. I was just telling a story and said it to be funny." (echos of Don Imus?)

"Why do they have bad words?"

"Well, sometimes people use the bad words for the wrong reasons. You're right, I shouldn't have said it."

This is the toughest part of being a parent and leading by example. We're all human and make mistakes, but it's harder when someone is watching you intently and retaining what you do.

Media Misdirection

When I was in high school, I was interested in journalism as a major. My grandfather, an esteemed lawyer, was impressed with my interest as it was the "Fourth Estate," and encouraged me. Journalists were hard-hitting, fact-finding, unbiased communicators. I grew up in the shadow of the "All the President's Men," when Woodward and Bernstein were the catalysts in changing government. Daunted by the competitive nature of the field, I opted out of Journalism for an attempt at Business and finally graduating with English.

Anyway, had I pursued this degree, would I be sitting in the Bahamas right now, parked outside Anna Nicole Smith's house?

I can't understand what is happening to the media. How does entertainment and gossip become news? Are sponsors and ratings pushing them?

There's also a monomaniacal mindset among them, in that only one hot issue that can take the headlines. If there's a political scandal, that will take the headlines. Britney shaved her head, there you've got a space filler. Everyone else, fall behind, including the real war for fictious reasons.

Perhaps Americans are running out of things to discuss. It seems radio jockeys or morning show hosts only discuss American Idol. Even our local news the other night said we should stay tuned for exclusive interview with the latest singer kicked off American Idol.

It may be a financial matter where news programs need the ratings to get the sponsors. And, if entertainment stories are what draws people, so be it.

I like to think most of the educated Americans get their news from the radio or internet. However, at this moment, this is on Yahoo "News":
• Dozens slain in Baghdad, Karbala attacks
• North Korea disarmament deadline passes
• U.S. Peace Corps volunteer missing
• Poll: Most Americans filing taxes online
• Vatican defrocks ex-Philadelphia priest over abuse claims
• Online gambling service takes bets on global warming
• Auction for rights to canceled O.J. Simpson book on hold

OJ Simpson!?

Remember the old days when CNN just did news and MTV played music videos? At the gym, they have TV's set to three channels - CNN, ABC and ESPN. A few weeks ago, CNN's Larry King was interviewing people related to Anna Nicole Smith and they were showing the same pictures over and over. On ABC, they had a PrimeTime series on "The Outsiders," and focused on a porn star whose parents were her managers. Of course, they continued to show her 'at work' with strategic blurred images. So, now ABC was showing porn to get ratings. Bravo.

Pushing the Envelope
The hot topic this week was Don Imus's racial slur. I was horrified by those comments. Don was trying to be funny by acting Black to his white audience. He's heard African-Americans call women "ho's" and feels that it can be used freely. Right now, I've seen a lot of solidarity among African Americans about this issue - this is unacceptable, misogynist and racist. They've pointed to the power of language, and the power that Imus has a media personality to influence people.

My first issue with this situation is the media again. Donny Deutsch was interviewed on this topic and he pointed out that these kind of hateful programming are being supported by handful of companies. If these corporations took responsibility to promote decent programs, it would be more beneficial in preventing such incidents. I don't know what happened to the FCC either. The more fines Howard Stern received, the higher his listening base went and more sponsors came forth. I don't get it.

Another issue this controversy has raised is language. As human beings, we always tell other people how to define us. I know there are a number of African-Americans who are against the street language of rappers. I hope the solidarity they built through this experience will help formulate change.

I know some people say that by using the N word or for women, Bitch, is empowering. I don't really buy that. While I may use Bitch as a word of strength, I don't want someone else calling me that because I cannot be sure of their intent. Now, among Indian-Americans, I'm seeing Macaca become that word of empowerment. I'm sorry, but I don't see the need to be called that. It's an absurd word, and there's no reason for desis to toss it around carelessly. If we do and someone is called macaca, we can't feel bad because we've given them that word. That's it - it's not about taking back, it's giving forward.

What is NOT in the News

I learned about this story of an Indian-American man who was brutalized by a police officer for vehicle tags. The Sikh American organizations and other Asian groups are getting involved in this. If Don Imus can lose his show for slurs, I think this police officer should lose his job!

The part that infuriates me to no end is that all brown people are potential terrorists. I remember after September 11th, bearded Indian men suddenly were clean shaven. The media with monomaniacal tendencies and the government have driven home FEAR into the mind's of the American public. For the most part, middle-America is safe from terrorists. Yet, when a mass fear grips people, it can be extremely damaging. Think of the Japanese internment camps. The Bush regime uses this fear to get public support. His approval ratings are decreasing, but the fear has been implanted already.

If any of my readers have advice on how to support this cause, please share!

Carb-elicious Memories

I came across an article in which the author reminisced about her mother’s homemade cake. While I could relate to the mother/daughter relationship and the intimacy with food, that cake and recipe meant nothing to me. She talked about slicing fruits and exact measurements of flour and sugar.

Anyway, I couldn't relate to this article about baking. We make cakes out of boxes around here. And, my mother's kitchen didn't have one measuring instrument (Indian mothers just "know.").

For me, my mom’s two desserts are sublime and her chef-d'oeuvres: gulab jamun and jalebi. I don’t know what it is with her gulab jamuns, but I cannot eat anyone else’s. I don’t care if it’s a fancy Indian restaurant or homemade by someone else’s mother, I will pass. Most likely they’re soggy, burnt or just taste a little weird.

Now, I know I’m not biased because I’ve seen my college friends pop half-a-dozen of them like doughnuts. Family members recognize her gulab jamuns as treats.

For those who have do not know and have lived a pallid culinary existence, gulab jamuns are Indian sweets. Balls of milk and flour are deep fried like doughnuts until they are nicely browned. Then, they are saturated with a thick saffron sugar syrup. Did you feel your arteries clog as you read that? My mom’s gulab jamun stay crisp, but absorb the right amount of syrup. You can eat them warm, so the syrup just oozes out. Else, you can eat them cold and bite into crystallized sugar.

In my house, we have a “no fry zone”. We're super health-conscious and we really don’t fry anything. I actually bake sweet and savories. However, I had always made gulab jamuns under my mom’s supervision. I attempted to make them on my own as a newlywed. I made them for my mother-in-law, on the last day of her visit. The outcome wasn’t as spectacular as I expected, but she was very gracious and appreciated the effort.

The other specialty my mother used to make was jalebi. These are another one of those Indian sweets that have zero health benefits. The creation process is much like a funnel cake. The batter is drizzled in a circular pattern right into hot oil. When it fluffs up perfectly, take it out and plunge it into the sticky saffron sugar syrup for a long soak. (BAAAM!!)

I haven’t eaten a memorable jalebi in years. My mom stopped making them in the ‘80’s when she lost her special bottle for making it. She tried other bottles and tips, but it would either glop or get stuck in the tube. Then we were lost. We tasted fluorescent orange and neon yellow concoctions made by others, but it wasn’t right. Actually, often it was too sweet, too soggy, too crisp or too thin - sorry excuses for jalebis.

I remember being 10 years old and telling my friends how many I could eat. “I could eat this many jalebis!” with my arms outstretched. Then someone would top me. “Oh yeah, I could eat that whole house full of jalebis!” I replied.

Maybe because I revere my mom’s versions, I haven’t attempted to do these at home. I’m more likely to make my proven successes such as sev-kheer and carrot halva.

One my last visit to Mumbai, my father-in-law ported home a batch of ghantiya and jalebi. “I bought this for you! This is the traditional breakfast for Gujaratis! ” I stared at the sticky sweet circles and didn’t know what to do. Firstly, in my Gujarati household, we always had cereal or eggs for breakfast. No one was making hot jalebis for breakfast. Secondly, how could I eat these since I have declared I will never eat another’s but my mother’s? I thanked him and said, “I love ghantiya.”

Thanks for indulging my memories. I’ve been on a low-carb diet and now these carbelicious desires are manifesting themselves into my blogs!

Message in a Bottle..er..Blog

So, I'm back to my Sting mode. I never finished "Broken Music" that I bought recently because I needed to finish a Rushdie for a bookclub. I like reading a memoir like this because you feel like you're on the couch with the author, he has his arm around you and is just telling his life story. When I read "Bookless in Baghdad" by Shashi Tharoor, I felt I was being led by the hand through a library (here's my review). With Hillary Clinton's book, "Living History," I felt like we were sitting across from each other with her photo album and yearbooks on the table.

Anyway, I mentioned the universe is pulling me towards Sting. I was at Best Buy the other night with the intent to buy a DVD gift. There was a Police CD, Every Breath You Take: The Classics, on sale for $9.99. What a happy coincidence!

I was listening to "Message in a Bottle" a while back and some of the lyrics struck me in a different way.

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before i fall into despair, oh

(chorus)

A year has passed since i wrote my note
But i should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart

(chorus)

Walked out this morning, don't believe what i saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems i'm not alone at being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home


It really reminded me of my online writing experience. I've been actively engaged in writing articles and discussion posts for almost 10 years now. I send out my lonely message, not knowing where it will end up. Yet, I do it. Then I learn there are lots of castaways like me! Anonymous voices chiming in agreement with me. Sometimes there are dissenters, but that's ok. Else, we'd be in an echo chamber with our own reverberations pounding back at us and we'd never learn. I like to meet people who have opposing views because it helps me reinforce and strengthen my own beliefs.

I love the line "A year has passed since I wrote my note." A year? A year means disaster, baby. We need instant feedback. We needed to know yesterday!

Even though I send out my bottles, I try not to be anxious and collect the ones that do wash ashore. A majority of my blog visitors don't bother to communicate directly to me, so I have to take a deep breath of faith and confidence that they are enjoying what I have to offer and keep coming back! So, for the "hundred billion" castaways, only a handful are sending their bottles to me!

Keep the bottles coming!

GPS - Addendum

On NPR's "All Things Considered," there was a charming commentary about GPS, "A Love Affair That's Going Places."

"Commentator Jay Keyser is having an affair. But it's not with another woman. He's falling for the sultry voice and competent navigational skills of "Vicki", his car's GPS. Keyser explains the dangers of his affair."

So, this takes the anthropomorphization I mentioned in my previous post to another level! He even discusses Vicki's "dark side" when she leads his wife to a dead end road.

Imagine if Columbus had GPS…

I’m not a Luddite or Amish. However, I still need to figure out how GPS (Global Positioning System) fits into my world. Maybe because I work with technology, I’m hesitant to let it control my car? I don’t know.

Map it! Map it real good!
I can tolerate online mapping tools like MapQuest and Google Maps. However, the directions may not always be accurate or the best route. I think there are many more advancements in the searching capabilities in the past few years (i.e., choose main roads vs local roads). I’ll search for the location and just use the map to plot out my own route. I can’t follow it word for word.

For all that is said about women and directions, I think if they have accurate information, they are all set. I’m excellent with landmarks and always provide them and ask for them. Maybe it’s my navigational insecurity, which makes me weary of technology. My father and husband need to drive somewhere once and remember it.

I wish I could do a psychology test based on how people handle directions to my house. My house is off the main road without a visible marker in one direction. Therefore, we provide specific directions: “At the 25 mph sign, put on right blinker. Start looking for a mailbox.” Even with directions, people have missed it or ended up in the wrong driveway. So, when people just Google for directions, they can’t find the house. Another friend mistyped the house number and ended up on the opposite end of the road. Only common thread I can say is that these drivers have been men.

GPS –Get People Somewhere
The next stage of navigational technology is GPS. One friend said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, it’s great. If you do know the route, it’s not going to work for you.” We used it in a friend’s car when we went to Boston to visit other friends. Using the GPS, we were stuck at a railroad crossing for 20 minutes as a freight train passed. When we told our local friend, he was so surprised we went that route. “But GPS told us to do that!”

In the interest of balanced presentation, on the same trip, the GPS came through for us when we were searching for restaurants and gas stations in the area. However, if one has a Blackberry or other device that can access the internet, it would be just as efficient.

As a non-GPS user, I find it interesting how dependent the driver suddenly becomes on the tool. A friend who has lived and worked in the area for years declared the tool will navigate her home from the city. Drivers turn off their own steering sense and just listen to where they need to go.

The GPS will say “next exit on the left”, but did the driver pay attention to whether it is northbound or southbound exit?

“Well, it doesn’t really matter, since it’ll recalculate for you.” Ok, so a complicated u-turn is acceptable now?

A former colleague once told me about a Japanese artist, I believe. He said that people lose some skills with advancements. People used to tell stories, and kept their memories sharp by retaining oral histories. When books were being printed, they lost that skill. Now, we can see with computers that the skill of writing by hand is being replaced by typing. (I admit that writing by hand more than 10 lines is taxing!)

Personally, I believe if you’re losing one skill, your brain would be making other complex connections. While you’ve been lax on your spelling, your brain is sharper in knowing where to find a correction tool and dig through the multiple icon/menu bars.

However, does reliance on GPS free your brain to do other things while driving?

The Anthropomorphization

When the directional voice is turned on the GPS, it’s an even more fascinating phenomenon. The tiny computer with screen becomes a person. “She said to turn left.” “Did he say this right?” The system has earned a pronoun and becomes another entity in the car – one whose opinion is valuable to the passengers.

A colleague mentioned how she loves her ‘GPS lady’ because she is so non-judgmental. If you miss a turn, she doesn’t berate you or make you feel bad. She remains polite no matter how many mistakes you make and adjusts her plan.

Maybe this is important as to how the driver forms the ‘relationship’ of trust to their system. And, since I don’t have a GPS, I have to be skeptical of the blind trust.

By the way, we do know people who can’t find themselves out of a paper bag without directions. They call us and ask for directions consistently, as if their memory retention for direction is stored on an Etch-A-Sketch. For them, we insist they get a GPS unit!

I’m still old-school and want my directions written out for me.

To prove I’m not a Luddite, here’s a tech tip: When I get directions to a friend’s house, I paste them into the friend’s record in my Outlook Address Book. Then download it to my Palm, so I can quickly access directions and information.

Review: Y Tu Mama Tambien

So, I'm about 6 years behind on my foreign films. I've always wanted to see "Y Tu Mama Tambien," especially after my friend Z had enthusiastically recommended it 3 years ago.

It was a lot more light-hearted than I expected. I've heard "sex and drugs" in relation to this movie, and thought, "oh, it's another one of those drug dealers, prostitution, violent movies." Was I wrong!

It's actually a good road-trip-through-Mexico-get-to-know-each-other-(in the Biblical sense ) -and-get-high-while-you're-at-it type of movie. It's absolutely steamy and calls for a nice margarita on the rocks to cool off.

I loved Gael Garcia Bernal in "Motorcycle Diaries," a film that has possibly one of the most beautiful cinematography of South America. "Y Tu Mama" reminded me of it in a way that ordinary people in the background add to the landscape and the story.

And, Diego Luna actually stayed in my mind for a long time after I saw.. gulp..embarrassed to say I saw this.. "Dirty Dancing 2 - Havana Nights." He was absolutely hot as a jalepeno in that movie. Movie was dumb as hell, but the dancing was intense.

Anyway, as a woman, I felt the storyline with the female character, Luisa, was stronger than the one for the two male leads. While this is the 'coming of age' story for the boys, it was an "awakening" for the woman. At the end, it is revealed why she had such a desire to suddenly live for every moment: "Life is like the surf, so give yourself away like the sea. "

It's also unbelievable that director Alfonso Cuarón, also directed "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" and "Children of Men." Gotta love the diversity and the creativity of such directors.

Also, I'm seeing on message boards that this is what teenaged boys are really like and what they really talk about. That's really scary! No wonder my father used to say, "Stay away from boys. I used to be one and I know exactly what they're thinking. Just stay away!"

One good thing about watching this movie so late is that everyone in the film has moved on to other projects, so I can catch up. I don't have to wait.

Speaking the Words We Write

I was thrilled to catch Def Poetry Jam on HBO last night. If you haven’t seen this program, it’s a spoken word and poetry performance. These poets do not speak from the heart. They whisper and roar from every molecule in their body and your body.

People often say, “Oh I don’t get poetry” and wouldn't try to read two lines. Performances like these visually illustrate the simplest purpose of poetry – the need to express and communicate to another.

I have to admire these artists because they can voice their poems. For me, writing is an act that is necessary as breathing. Yet, I’ve only read my poetry aloud to a few friends in writing groups. A year ago for the first time among strangers at a workshop, I read my work aloud. Afterwards, I was overwhelmed physically - blood was rushing and my body temperature must have risen 100 degrees. I received a positive response, which was encouraging and gave me confidence.

I don’t have a problem with public speaking. I taught and led presentations to clients, colleagues, professors and classmates. I’ve been the MC and made speeches at various Indian events. Not a problem.

I have public speaking confidence when what I’m presenting is not me. To read poetry or my writing would be to step into a zone of vulnerability and exposure.

When I watch spoken word poets, I know they’re taking their talent to the next level, which is where I need to be.

Another point for me is that writing is as solitary and silent act. I do read my work to myself, usually to check for rhythm.

When I read or write, I have this ‘voice’ in my head. The voice doesn’t trip over words, she glides and breathes into them. I like to write about ethereal topics. By actually articulating the poems, my voice makes the words seem so ordinary and lose their magic.

This is why I have to admire the talent of the Def Poetry performers. They know how to breathe life into the words and make them the voice you recognize in your head.

There was a girl in one of my writing groups, who was a poet. We found ourselves having difficulty connecting to her as a person because of her insecurities. She was inconsistent; she resisted sharing simple things, but then revealed too much. I saw her present one of her poems in a public performance. I was amazed how she transformed. She owned the stage. That was her space, those were her words, and that was who she was! For some poets, the public performance is a validation of who they are.

Broken Music - Sting

So, the Universe is pulling me to Sting this week.

I had an hour to myself yesterday and my car drove itself to the nearest Barnes & Noble. I went to the first place I always go in a bookstore - the Bargain Books. I believe one person's junk could be another person's treasure. I collect classics and books by Indian writers, which they may not mean much to the mainstream reading populace. So, I've found some great finds for under $5 or $10.

Yesterday, I found Sting's memoir "Broken Music" for $4.98. I've read only 30 pages and I'm captivated by his writing style. His prose is so lyrical and poetic it leaps off the page. For example, here's a line from the first paragraph:

"My wife, Trudie, and I are sheltering beneath an umbrella, while high above our heads two seagulls wheel recklessly in the wind; and the sea is a roaring threat in the darkness"

He could've said "Trudie and I stood under an umbrella and we could hear the seagulls and the water."

Actually, what made me buy this book were 2 paragraphs on page 298. Sting is in an old French hotel next to the alleyway where prostititutes have stood "for a thousand years." In the hotel foyer, there is an old poster of the play by Edmond Rostand, "Cyrano de Bergerac," which prompts this musing:

"He is a tragic clown man with an enormous nose and a plumed hat. He is a man entrusted with a secret; an eloquent and dazzling wit who, having successfully wooed a beautiful woman on behalf of a friend cannot reveal himself as the true author when his friend dies. He is a man who loves but is not loved, and the woman he loves but cannot reach is called Roxanne. That night I will go to my room and write a song about a girl. I will call her Roxanne. I will conjure her unpaid from the street below the hotel and cloak her in the romance and the sadness of Rostand's play, and her creation will change my life. "

I think that's what is appealing to me about this book that it's a memoir, not so much of an autobiography that zips through significant events. It pauses long enough to evoke significant moments.

Great Performances: Sting

I watched Great Performances on PBS the other night, which showcased Sting and his work on the new album, The Journey And The Labyrinth.

I don't know if this will play on PBS again, but it's available on a DVD. If you can watch it, please do since it's beautiful. Sting embraces and explores the Elizabethan songs written by John Dowland - he calls him the first "English Singer/Songwriter." It's fascinating to see the interaction and passion the musicians and singers have for the history and music.

My breath was snatched when I saw the backdrop. It was filmed at Lake House, Sting's 16-century manor house in Wiltshire, and in the ancient gardens of Il Palagio, his home in Italy.

The man has a labyrinith in his backyard!! I never cared too much for labyrinths (can't even spell the bloody word properly!) because I've seen films like "Dracula" and "Harry Potter," which have enforced the eerieness of mazes. These are frightening because you must go forward though you don't know what lies ahead. You feel like a mouse scrambling around a maze, hoping to find a cheese in the middle or at least freedom.

However, Sting is a brilliant man in that he created claustrophobic-friendly labyrinth. It's cut low and is wide and open. He strolls around and around it. If you get tired of the circular walk, you can walk across it and go home. One of Sting's musician friends commented how calming it was to walk behind Sting across this type of labyrinth. He was so inspired by it, he bestowed the lute with the carved labyrinth to him, which led to this new album.

Anyway, it's an absolutely beautiful show - complete with romantic settings in Europe from the castles to the woods, the talented musicians and one incredibly talented Sting.

By the way, I've seen Sting in concert back in the 90's - I think it was "Soul Cages" and "Dream of Blue Turtles" tours. What I used to love about watching him perform live was his passion for music. He'd gather up his band and they'd start jamming on stage. Didn't matter hundreds of people were there - they were having fun. That kind of passion for what you do is absolutely sexy.

I'm also captivated by good lyrics. When I was younger, I had to reach for the dictionary for a line from "Synchronicity" - "Mephistopheles is not your name." I looked up "synchronicity" while I was it. And, I wouldn't have read "Lolita" were it not for Sting saying, "Just like the old man in that book by Nabokov" in "Don't Stand So Close to Me." That line would drive me crazy and even when I was reading it, it kept churning in my head.

Sting's low crooning on these Elizabethan songs gave me chills - his voice oscillates perfectly, swaying from a whisper to a bellow. He commented a few times about being a rock-n-roll singer, but this type of music suited him so well, you forget this was not his forte.

Perfect background music for an evening with good friends, sitting in front of a roaring fire, candles lit and swirling a glass of bordeaux.

If anyone has a 16th century castle, please do invite me.

Lost Clouds

Thanks to SirenSongs, I experienced this beautiful site, "50 Million Missing" photographs of Indian women and girls. This collection is a reminder of the beauty and diversity of the many faces of Indian women.

Sadly, the value of an Indian female has not improved where female infanticide and dowry deaths are still occurring. We hear about the tech boom, the educated classes and modern advances made in India, but when girls and women are still considered a burden, where will society end up? It is the "dehumanization" of women when they are valued with monetary measures. Here are some links to articles about this urgent issue: Missing: 50 Million Indian Girls and India's Missing Daughters.

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I had received this poem this morning in my inbox as my Poem of the Day and it seems appropriate for this mood.

A Cloud withdrew from the Sky (895)

A Cloud withdrew from the Sky
Superior Glory be
But that Cloud and its Auxiliaries
Are forever lost to me

Had I but further scanned
Had I secured the Glow
In an Hermetic Memory
It had availed me now.

Never to pass the Angel
With a glance and a Bow
Till I am firm in Heaven
Is my intention now.

Emily Dickinson

For my poetry-phobic friends, the poem speaks about a cloud that was missed, an opportunity to see "superior glory." The moment could have been saved and reused again.

We need to stop and save the images of the Indian women and girls lest they become clouds that fade away with the sun.

On the Job Training: Motherhood - The End of the Innocence

She turns 6 tomorrow, on Valentine's Day.

This morning she was watching Sesame Street while I was racing around getting everything together to leave. Elmo was doing his usual routine with Dorothy the goldfish. Dorothy is Elmo's alter-ego. He masks his questions as her questions. For example, "Dorothy wants to know how you brush your hair." Then, a few children will say, "Dorothy, this is how I brush my hair," as if they're speaking to the goldfish.


So, Annika said, "Dorothy doesn't really talk. Elmo just talks for her."

I said, "Really?"

"Yeah, and did you know everyone on Sesame Street are just puppets?"

I asked, "Did someone tell you or you figured it out?" I started wondering if I should change her bus so she doesn't get exposed to influence from big kids.

"I figured it out. They were singing, and when they finished, they went down like puppets."

My friends had said that 6 is an age of change and a sudden maturity. I didn't think it would be like this. Then how come we still had a meltdown last night before bed?

I have to mourn a bit for those days when Elmo and Ernie were real to her. However, I shouldn't mourn too long because those characters are so alive to adults. I didn't grow up with Elmo (only Bert, Ernie, Kermit and Miss Piggy), but watching Elmo movies with my daughter, I fell in love with him too. I've seen my husband chuckle at a few of Elmo's antics, and he did not grow up on Sesame Street.

I was at the Thanksgiving Day parade in NYC a few years ago. When the Sesame Street float passed by, I was waving to Maria and the gang as if they were old friends and celebrities!

Anyway, the number of the day was 6.

The Written Life

Natasha Bedingfield’s song, “Unwritten” is always on the radio these days and her lyrics are intriguing and always stirs a flood of images in my head:

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

First of all, maybe it’s because I’m 30-something I can’t relate to the line "Today is where your book begins." I feel like I’m in the middle of writing my book. I’ve got quite a number of completed chapters. Some plotlines are good, some are interesting, some are bad and there was a lot of times when I was spinning my wheels, but they’re all in my book.

There are some things I may want to forget or wish I could do over, but it’s written with indelible ink. Every paragraph was critical in helping move my story to where I am today. The good part is there are lots of nice clean pages ahead of me. I do have to refer to the past pages to know what to write in the new pages.

If I were in my 20’s, I definitely would have identified with the song. It’s because I felt that my life was always beginning I felt I could take risks and do the things I did.

The second line that strikes me is “No one else can speak the words on your lips.” It’s about personal responsibility. Your life can’t move forward unless you do it. You can read about the benefits of yoga, understand the history and philosophies. Yet, unless you get up and do a surya-namaskar (sun salutation), ain’t nothin’ gonna happen.

I have a great quote taped to my computer monitor: “Winners do what losers don’t want to do.” Yeah, there’s a lot of things no one wants to do. However, if you want to succeed, you will do it. Most likely you will do well if others are refusing to do it.