Review: Everybody's Fine

I was so excited to see an American remake of the Italian movie "Stanno Tutti Bene." Marcello Mastrianni's role as the father would be played by Robert DeNiro, and Drew Barrymore and Kate Beckinsale as the daughters. It's about a widower who goes to see his children and tries to reconnect with their lives, but they all have secrets. It's beautiful and sad, and touching. I remember in the Italian movie all the kids were named after characters in operas.

This new version was definitely sad and touching. I had tears because I felt guilty for not calling my parents. (I dutifully did so the next morning and listened to my dad ramble on about books and tv shows, and allowed my mom to scold me for not feeding my family - even though we were getting late for lessons). Also, you could look at it from the parent's point of view and wonder what do you have to do with your own kids to stay connected over the years.

This movie was just slower and depressing. Maybe it's the American landscape. Taking a bus from one Italian city to another is not a big a deal as taking bus from Chicago to Las Vegas. Acting is very good, but there should be more life to it - maybe better dialogue, maybe less quiet landscape shots?

The ending was nicer I think that the Italian one, as I recall. So, it doesn't totally leave you flat, but more hopeful for reconnections.

March 2010

Now that the healthcare bill has passed, there is much uproar on the net. One of the boards I had read had a post that this was "the saddest day in American history". Really? This is it? The day a parent doesn't have to tell a kid to wait a little longer to get eyeglasses or their teeth fixed? An elderly person decided it was cheaper to buy Depends over the bladder control meds. Where's the dignity in being an American? If I had to truly point to the saddest day it was this month 7 years ago and we learned that "shock and awe" is not really a strategy.

I wrote these poems on March 19, 2003 11:30 pm, as the invasion would begin March 20, 2003 . The first poem is what I imagined it would be like to be an Iraqi in Baghdad, just waiting for the war to start. There were interviews with citizens on the radio - debating whether they would stay or flee. I always wondered about on particular family that stayed. At the time, my daughter was 2 and she'd get frightened by low flying jets from the naval air base. I could comfort her easily knowing it would pass. I don't know what that mom in Baghdad was doing. I usually edit my poems perpetually. This one I kept it unpolished.

We have fear
to pull over our heads at night
to shut out the prying eyes,
the fingers that crawl through the blinds.

We have fear
to protect us from the
Invisible Evil that
may fall from the sky

or hurt as we breathe.

let the fear harden our lungs
so it may not let out the
cries of anguish,
the turmoil we feel inside
should be hidden.

Tell me how one strikes
upon a city
that sleeps.

A city in a stupor
of silence

Do you feel stronger and braver
knowing you have concrete targets?
Had someone thrown the first punch
and you fought back with that awesome
left hook,

I would understand.

I would know where it came from -
a fire inside sparked.

Yet how do you light a fire
when there is only ice in the air?
Sand in your eyes?

We cloak ourselves in answers
knowing what we do not know
but say we do.
Is it all Right?

We will find out tomorrow
if...

Review: Up In The Air

So, we're catching up on the movies we didn't know anything about during the Oscars. I had heard enough interviews on NPR about this film, so I was quite eagar.

Jason Reitman is the guy who did "Juno" (seen it dozens of times) and "Thank you for Smoking" (also on my list). So right away you know it's going to have a lots of witty dialogue and quirky quiet music. Yes, the characters are witty, yet real and say the truth. Conversations we all have, but never see in a film. The plot and the dialogue are so well-crafted so actors just have to flow with it.

We recognized Anna Kendrick's character immediately - we've all met the eager 23 year old, trying to be taken more seriously than her age, but put into positions where she's limited only by maturity and experience. Vera Farmiga was good, but I wasn't impressed until the twist at the end. So that elevated her performance. I kept trying to imagine the Ryan character with another non-George Clooney actor. But, George really does fit the role of a polished, seasoned exec. He's such a subtle actor too - doesn't have to say a word, but just through facial expressions you know what's going on. That's my favorite type of acting. (Robert Downey Jr does this really well too!!)
And I can't forget that Jason Bateman is in this too -- I see him and I'm 15 again and want him on my locker.

The relevance of the subject matter stands above everything else. Systemic corporate downsizing, living in airports, virtual meetings, texting, and dynamic relationships with people -- if there was a cinematic time capsule, this movie would be a snapshot of our current times. I loved the aerial shots of the cities because that's how business travellers get to know each city. You're not walking down to the historic sections, you'll be going to your hotel and the suburban offices.

I plan to watch this again before we return the DVD just so I can revisit the dialogue and the story development.
Ok fine.. and George Clooney.

My mantra these days..

Peace

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.

It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

- Anonymous

WYSIWYG

I've had an unbelievable day today and needed to sort some thoughts (lucky readers!)

In the morning, I was awash with "bad mom syndrome." I was frustrated that I hadn't spent time with my daughter practicing her violin.. she doesn't know her multiplication table.. needs to see an eye doctor and I haven't had time to schedule an appoint. I become "grumpy mommy" in the morning before school. This is just not right. Demands of work are consuming again and I'm losing my balancing act.

As parents, we take the blame. It's our fault they can't do something or they can. I know this is not right - she's her own person and all I can do is show her the door, and she has to walk through it on her own. Speaking of doors.. this morning I dropped her at school for early morning orchestra practice. She's carrying her violin case, her roller knapsack and needed to pull open the large school doors. I wanted to jump out of the car and help her open the two doors. She looked so little! However, she had told me she didn't want me to get out of the car. So, I sat in the car, waited as she struggled with her bags and she did it.

This evening, she pulled out her homework papers and showed us her science test. She got 10/10 on description of electrical circuits. They do this in 3rd grade? She said, "Yeah we did the experiment so I knew." Her handwriting was neat, and she knew what she was talking about. They were also making flashlights in school with paper towel rolls and batteries. Then she sat down to read a book of silly poems that I had once bought for her. I loved how she giggled while reading it. She said she was looking for "figurative language."

I felt relieved this evening. I'm looking in the wrong places. She's doing well in so many ways, but I'm just looking at the part that makes me nervous.

And, I think that's so key about our lives. We are surrounded by wonderfully delightful things all the time, yet we choose not to see them. Since yesterday, the one thing that has made me smile and laugh is a colleague's IM to me where he mistyped some words (i.e., "he knee keeps jerking"). It's silly. However, we all need to laugh a little to break up our day. I always remember years ago my colleagues and I were in an intense meeting. At the end, one of the colleagues told a story about how her two pet chihuahuas had died (one was crushed by an ironing board and the other accidently stepped on by her brother). The three of us laughed so hard we practically cried. The poor chihuahuas (I don't condone animal cruelty!), but the relief was what we needed.

And, happiness doesn't come in one size. It can be something as small as a silly IM or it can be as big as the Super Bowl. We all have some element of joy and happiness in our lives. If life is about making choices, we make a decision on what we choose to see in our world. And, how we react to these things. We can laugh or we can cry.

Driving in India

On my last trip to India in 2007, I wrote this piece about Traffic Guidelines. I need to expand those.

I think the key to driving and walking across the streets is the attitude. To cross the street in Mumbai, one must be bold. There are taxis, motorcycles, buses and cars. There are other pedestrians walking, so one car may stop. However, the guy behind him may want to loop around to pass. I tried to adopt the mantra "Maintain my stride and the driver will accomodate me." When I did that, I was pulled aside and told "You're gonna get hit! What are you doing?"

We have a friend who lived in the US for some time and now returned to India. She said she tried to drive conscientiously, but it was wasted effort. She said people honked at her and told her to shape up and drive. After that, she found her attitude and started driving like the rest of maniacs on the road. Her husband doesn't drive in India.

The problem in cities is that people walk in the street, not on the sidewalks. "Sidewalks are for the hawkers and parking motorcycles." So, in a way, you can get to your destination faster by walking and dodging traffic than on the sidewalks. Quotes by my friends who were driving:
"You're banking on your luck when you drive in Mumbai"
"[In Delhi], drive by instinct"

These are some pics from our roadtrip from Delhi to Agra
We're coming out of parking lot. Pick a lane to drive, buddy!





This is a morning car pool. This type of rickshaw can accomodate 6-8 people inside (including the driver). Note the guy holding the orange bag. Next to him is someone holding a water bottle that you can't see!

This is the business class seats!

So we're driving through a town and everyone jumped on the truck for a ride! We were right behind them and took some neat pics!

And, just when you think you're done with people, you run into goats!

Trucks in India all have decorations and statements painted on them, especially requesting honks when driving around the truck. The classic is the "Horn Ok Please", which lead us to an interesting discussion. I always thought it meant "Horn Please, OK?" We saw "Horn Do" (Do in Hindi is give, so it meant Give a Honk) . This one just said "Blow Horn." There were also statements in Hindi.

By the way, I loved this moment when we driving to a town called Gokul. It was an unpaved road with construction in spots and just generally dirty. Yet, this man was washing his truck so passionately. In one way, it seemed so futile to do it. However, there's such a sense of pride in what he was doing it. (I always wondered about this male phenomenon - they can wash a car for hours.. a sinkful of dishes, well that's just too much to ask!)

There's never a dull moment on the roads in India!

Avatar - Really?

After 4 weeks of trying to get tickets and babysitting logistics straightened, we finally made it to see "Avatar" in 3D IMAX. I liked the IMAX screen, but the 3D experience was personally rough. The flimsy plastic in the glasses were not straight and distorted images, giving me a headache. Periodically, I had to take off the glasses to relax my eyes.

Is it worth seeing? Yes. Is it worth the hype? Not really.

The utopian planet that's been recreated is just luscious and gorgeous. During this time, I actually thanked the filmmakers for creating such a beautiful and creative landscape. I loved the stones that were naturally carved into perfect arches, the "hallelujah mountains." For the "humanoids", the design of having a tail that was like a "universal plug" into the earth was a cool concept. The connection of living beings to the spiritual world and the planet is beautiful. The experience of flying at high speeds is exhilarating.

Spoilers Alert!!

Can we make the characters not be such caricatures? The military colonel was pumped up with testerstone and conglomeration of every cliche of power hungry bully. It was interesting that they didn't depict a specific country leading the take over, but a corporation. We don't know exactly what was the benefit of the stone. It would've been more justifiable to say that stone would help repopulate earth or something like that. But, they left it at shareholder greed.

The indigo indigenous people were a mix of all the tribals known to general audiences - African and Native American. The filmmakers really stayed with the stories and practices of Native Americans. Maybe it's a purposeful action so the audiences can connect. But, you have tribals in all parts of the world that have nature based practices. I don't know why Na'vi had to hunt in the first place - they have a plentiful resources.

The action scene at the end reminded me of the battle scene from "Chronicles of Narnia." We already know about the "Dances with Wolves", "Pocahontas" and 'The Last Samurai" connections. There's also a nod to the "Transformers."

Also, we were flipping through the new "Planet of the Apes" on TV the other night. There's a part where Mark Wahlberg tries to inspire the human prisoners to revolt. He says human history is full of humans fighting back and succeeding. It would've been nice if the people from Avatar had tapped into human history and seen what happens when the land and its people are sacrificed.

When the Home Tree is destroyed, it conjured the Twin Towers falling. My friends pointed out it reminded them of Sadaam Hussain's statue being torn down. In case you missed those "subtle" references, the Colonel has to say they have to take "pre-emptive action" and "fight terror with terror". I loved how "Shock and Awe" is still going to be a phrase used century from now. So, if they did not want to identify a country as leading the effort, they just slapped a label on it.

But overall, this is a movie about race and white men taking over. Note - Sigourney Weaver is a white woman who wanted to pursue scientific and diplomatic options. Here's an interesting POV on the issue of "white guilt movies."

By the way, Mr. Cameron, in the future will there be a computer space station with no Asian techies on board? Are they still going to call India for tech support from Pandora? Talk about your fantasies!

I'm stealing this quote from an online forum:
Man, was it amazingly beautiful, but it's gotta be the first one-dimensional 3D movie I've ever seen.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

- Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Reflections Upon Return

I've been home in the US for a two weeks now, and still trying to hold onto the magic and peace I found in India. For me, it was a wonderful vacation because I was away from my daily grind. My life is generally so hectic as with a demanding job where multitasking is an expectation, as well as the obvious juggling of home and family. There, I spent a lot of time with our family and our focus was on how to optimize our time together. There were maids and nannies tending to all the tasks that usually overrun our lives here. So, even when I offered to help, I was told not to worry.

Normally, I'm constantly checking my work email on my phone. In this case, there wasn't much I could do due to the time difference. My colleagues were forced to adapt to the situations and come up with answers on their own. Before I left for India, there was a lot of anxiety around me leaving for 3 weeks out of the country. People were shocked when I said 3 weeks. People are out for 2 days and there's chaos. I tried to remind them I would return and the whole corporation won't collapse because I'm on vacation. I identified 6 people to cover various projects and tasks, so the burden wouldn't be on one person. Before we left, I was trying tie loose ends at work and prepare for the trip.

They say that on one's deathbed no one ever says "I wish I had spent more time at the office." I felt it more so with this trip.

I'm much happier that my daughter spent a few lovely weeks with her cousins and grandparents in India. She got a better taste of India as a country and the lifestyles that exist. We all had a good time bonding with our family and securing those relationships. When I grew up, we weren't able to go to India frequently, so we only have a handful of memories with my cousins and grandparents. However, the connection is still there with my cousins.

Even in India, I felt so clear headed. My life wasn't cluttered with promises to fulfill and negative energy. Part of my stress is the need for perfection in everything, which could make a simple task as writing an email into a stressful time consuming task. There wasn't the need to come up with solutions and answers all the time.

While in India, I also recognized some physical health benefits. I didn't need to have so much caffeine to get me through my day/evening. We had balanced meals, though we're not used to widespread. I've noticed that when I'm typing emails back to work, I tend to snap more at others around me. We had happier moments when I wasn't checking my phone. The one downside I felt was that I didn't get enough exercise as I needed.

After seeing how simply people live in India, I do want to make changes in my life. There isn't a lot of space for things, so you keep what you need at hand.They buy fresh vegetables everyday. We have such a "just in case" mentality where we buy everything. Maybe it's our environment. It's 20-30 degrees outside right now. I'd rather go into my pantry and dig out soups rather than go to the market for fresh veggies to make my own soup.

I'm looking to make changes in simplifying our schedules. Kumon is out. My family is much happier that we're not fighting over Kumon. We regain almost an hour in the evenings, which my daughter can spend more time practicing her violin and finishing up school projects. She's agreed to work on other math workbooks to keep up her skills sharp.

Delegating is an art that I need to master. My problem is that I enjoy doing certain tasks and will take them on just for that sake. But, I need to devote my energies on primary tasks that cannot be done by others. I see this being critical for an activity coming up in April, for which I'll be co-directing a children's program.

I've definitely returned with my head on straight. I can say my head was 100% turned the other way before I left. I don't want to be "Grumpy Mommy" anymore. Someone suggested to me that I meditate to find the peace I'm seeking. I thought about it and I realized I'm not seeking peace. I've found it.

It's as if I'm holding a cup of a precious liquid. My challenge is to go through my life without spilling it or having someone taint it! I think my key will be to conjure the feelings that I had in India.

Horses, Monkeys and Puppies - Oh My!

We went to Matheran, a small "hill station" outside of Mumbai. It's about a few hours drive and a pretty mountain vacation spot for Mumbaites who need a respite from the heat of the city. To maintain the rustic charm of the town, no cars are permitted. People get around on horseback, hand-pulled rickshaws or plain old walking. Though one has to be alert where one steps due to all the horses! And, by the end of the day, everyone's shoes and clothes are covered in red dust. There is a train that goes up the mountain, but apparently it's quite slow and people can just walk next to it.

The mountains are made of red dirt and rocks. There was one lookout point we dubbed "Mars" because of the large red boulders. I rode on a horse years ago in high school. That's been it. So, getting on a horse now was a bit precarious for me, and walking on the rough roads made it a bit jarring experience. It took me some time to have faith in the horse and the guy leading the horse. And, having to turn off my imagination. There was one part where Annika's horse faltered a bit because he heard a noise. However, she wasn't scared at all and understood her horse was only 2 years old. She forgave him. We got quite comfortable with the horses quickly, especially Annika who wanted to ride it without a lead.

Monkeys are all over the place. We stayed at the Lord's resort, which had separate buildings for the rooms. During the day, windows and doors must be kept locked because monkeys know how to creep into the rooms. They're jumping on the roof in the morning! One morning, we were sitting under the tree having our tea, and a monkey snuck behind us. He made himself comfortable and sat on the table to eat the toast. He snatched some sugar packets and opened them under the tree. (Great, a monkey on a sugar high!). We all sat still because these guys are quite aggressive. The hotel staff is all equipped with slingshots (yes, super technology here!) They sling rocks at the monkeys, and the monkeys run from the sight of them. So the staff will hang around the poolside and tables. The kids loved the slingshots so much, they got their own.

Now the puppy story. My brother-in-law, nephew and I went for a walk in the late evening. We saw a small white puppy on the side and we stopped to pet it. First of all, there are lots of stray dogs everywhere and we usually just stay away from them. But, this puppy looked about 1 month old and was so adorable. We stopped to pet. My six-year-old nephew thought getting permission "to pet him" was the same as permission to "make him a pet". He planned how we should take him home and coddled him like his parents have never seen him do. We stopped at a small store and bought biscuits and borrowed warm milk from the store owner. We called everyone else out and at 11pm, we were standing on the street outside the hotel feeding the puppy biscuits dipped in milk. The kids named him Biscuit and Tiger. Annika pointed out he was shivering and I should give up my shawl. (No.) We convinced the kids to leave him on the side and that's where he belonged. He was gone in the morning. We know that puppy has not received this much love in his entire life and probably will never again.

The next morning the kids wanted to go out and look for a new puppy of the day. However, the hotel owner had a cocker spaniel Rusty, which entertained them. Rusty was helpful in keeping away the monkeys.

I loved the simplicity of the life we experienced for 3 days. It reminded me of going to my father's small town Rajpipla when I was young. You're allowed to get dirty. You're allowed to run around at night. You're allowed to interact with animals and random people. Our overprotective American parental instincts were going haywire!! Also, it's amazing to see these kids fight over slingshots. We're not talking about Wii or Playstation or whatever. Just a wooden slingshot with cheap rubber tied around it.

Oh, by the way, monkeys don't come out at night. Only the bats do.

Absolutely Mumbai

If I had to describe Mumbai in simple terms, it's not the "Maximum City", but the "Extreme City". There's nothing in moderation as it rises from poverty to luxury, from pollution to green consciousness, as well as my own emotional roller coaster. The other night, my husband and I took a cab into downtown area by the Gateway of India. We always do this. It's a touristy spot, but it's fun and always reminds us that we've arrived in this city.

Delight: Seeing all the sidewalk stalls and picking up silk scarves for $1.50 each (easily $25 in US). The earrings and jewelry made my mouth drop.

Disappointment: my husband pulling me away.

Anger: Walking into the Taj Hotel and remembering how one year ago terrorists walked through its halls gunning down people as they wished. "26/11" is still on everyone's minds when you walk through the metal detectors and security.

Awe: Seeing Tulsi Pipe Road wall where people painted and expressed their pride and strength in the city in the Wall Project. It's not just one block of wall - it's a serious wall of length with intricate work. It raises street art and graffiti to the next level of community expression and pride. This is the voice of Mumbai - not anyone else's. By the way, I love the murals all over Philadelphia and it changes the way the city is perceived.

Pride: Speaking of art, we went into Jehangir Art gallery and strolled through Art Plaza. We love the Indian artists and we always pick up a few pieces. The Indian art market has been on the rise. Not only are the new artists getting recognized, but digging out the old artists from 1920's at Phillips Antiques. My husband priced the two 6" wooden sculptures of pink raging beasts that would guard a doorway at a mere 1.2 million rupees. We just don't have the space for it, you know.

Gut-wrenching pain: walking past a child sitting on the sidewalk with her arm extended, too weak to raise her head. How many children will go to sleep hungry tonight and wake up hungry - no one knows. We dropped a coin in her hand and we walked in silence.

Homesickness: Going into Cafe Mondegar. My husband was surprised I wanted to go there for coffee since it's a fairly dark pub/cafe. However, I heard the Black Eyed Peas and felt terribly homesick. We had a really good espresso and latte while listening to Def Leppard.

Knowing You're Not at Home: (Don't know what the opposite of homesick is): Looking out the window at Cafe Mondegar and seeing 5-6 motorcycles lined up for McDelivery for McDonalds. Yes, for those times when you need your Maharaja Mac or McVeggie in 30 minutes or less. I can't tell you enough about how much I love the delivery services in this country. You want ice cream or bottle of gin, you just make a phone call and someone brings it over.

Frustration: We needed to take an air conditioned bus back home. Sounds simple? We walked at least 20-30 min in circles trying to find the bus stop, calling family, asking strangers, policemen, and bus people. You just have to "know" these things. Fortunately, we finally found the stop and as we were walking towards it, the bus came. We ran for it!

Life Threatening Perilious Adventures: Also known as "crossing the street". (New post to come on that!!)

India Diaries 2009

Live from Mumbai!
Last time we were in India in 2007, I maintained a log of our trip and experiences (see "India" on my links on the right). We're here this month and again, I'm waking up at 4:30 am with nothing to do, and the urge to write.

The last trip was memorable because it was my daughter's first trip to India. Everything was new and unexpected. Now, we're going 2 years later and she's 8 now. This trip is about rediscovery. She's looking for those things she remembers from someone's beaded curtain to the bathroom where she floated boats with her grandfather.

I'm happy that we found an art studio nearby that offers arts and crafts for children. Since we'll be here for a few weeks, we'll have Annika take some workshops. We asked specifically for a class with girls her age so she'll have a chance to make friends.

For me, India is always about people. I wrote about this before where as someone who grew up with feet firmly planted in the US, I always felt that for me, India was a good place to visit, not live. I'm here now and still pretty sure I could not live in Mumbai. I'm not a city person at all. I need my rolling hills of Pennsylvania and the ability to drive to Target needed.

However, the other night I landed my brother-in-law gave me a hug and said "Welcome home!" That's a powerful statement for me. I'm daughter of immigrants and grew up with dual identities. I've long since reconciled who I am, so I don't want to go into the cliches that pepper Indian-American literature. However, I distinctly remember the moment when I decided I was American, and knew I wasn't an Indian. Yet I always describe myself as Indian-American because I'm not one or the other. It's gratifying to have to an "official" welcome such as this.

Follow up on Recent Blogs

Kumon You're Killing Me: We're done. I told them we were going away in Dec and we'll come back in January. I was relieved the owner didn't try to convince me to take homework with us on vacation; she simply asked me to call her.

The benefits of not doing Kumon:
- we get back 30 to 45 minutes every evening

- restore peace and tranquility in our family

- chance to explore more creative methods of learning basic math skills. There are some great websites and I've found some fun workbooks.

- know that any other math workbook that I put in front of my daughter's nose will be welcomed because she's faced the worst.

The benefit of doing Kumon:
- she is a quicker with doing math calculations in her head. However, it's the result of consistent practice.

Separating Fantasy from Reality: So, we had the talk. She asked me while we were at the mall. I told her there was no Santa Claus.
"Oh, so it's you?"

"Yes."

"OHhhhh.. so I can tell YOU what I want for Christmas and don't have to wait?"

"Yes..?"

"OHHHhhh..Great! I want a DS!! a Wii!! Wait.. did you eat the cookies too?"

"Umm..yeah."

"Now..there's no Easter Bunny?"

"No."

"What about the leprachauns? Did you put the sprinkles?" (When she was in pre-K, she wrote a welcome note to the leprauchan for St Patrick's Day and the teacher put sprinkles on it. So, I really didn't put the sprinkles.)

Now she believes there is no Santa Claus or Bunny, but leprachauns are real.

I also told her not to tell little friends of ours, and let them believe. There's a bit of relief.

Separating Fantasy from Reality

Last year, I posted this blog about my daughter questioning Santa Claus. She's still not convinced, and I heard her ask my husband the other day if Santa was real or if it was just us. He bypassed her question. She's 8 and a half now and this is the age where it's going to come together. I was about this age when my bubble was burst by friends across the street. She had asked last year because Anna on the bus (whose brother is 2-3 years older) said so. My response was, "What do you think?" and she said, "Yes, he's real."

We're at a tricky period of peer influences where her friend F is announcing "princesses are for babies". I know some girls quickly got bored of princesses at 3 or 4, but for my girl, this is a lifestyle. Her whole raison d'etre is to live the royal life, but she's appalled to carry Disney Princess paraphenalia in public. We resort to Hello Kitty now. I've told her that she's allowed to play with dolls as long as she wants. I was actually playing dolls until I was 10-11 years old; I would read books and act out the stories, fashion objects and scraps into houses and wardrobe changes. I definitely felt like doll play challenged my imagination.

Returning to my Santa Claus dilemma, I sought the classic response from the 1897 editorial known as "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus." Reading this now, I found it so poignant and so beautiful. It hits the deeper meaning of all these stories we tell our children. There are parents who don't propogate these stories, and tell the children like it is. Like Francis Church said, "You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside," but then we lose the charm of the rattle and it becomes a mere noisemaker. I will share this article with her and hopefully she'll recognize what Santa represents, if he is not real.

Honestly, if she gives up Santa this year, I'll be happy. I've been exhausted holding up pretenses as we shuttle between my house, my house and India, where did he leave gifts, and the whole cookie thing. I even got caught mid-year. I said to a sales person, "Oh, I had gotten her this last Christmas" and she piped up, "No you didn't give it to me. Santa gave it."

Oh. I forgot.

And, the fact that Virginia's father asked her to write to the newspaper proves that parents don't have the answers.

The Choir Boats

This book fell unexpectedly into my lap. I wouldn't have picked this book off the shelf since I don't particularly read fantasy genre books. While I loved Harry Potter, I could not get through Tolkien. I decided to read this book based on the website of the author, Daniel Rabuzzi. The site had a strong presence of fairy tales and fine literature, as well as fantasy, so I thought there might be something for me. We have to diversify our reading repetoire, don't we.

"The Choir Boats" is definitely a unique book as it takes place in 1812 London. So right there, my imagination is charmed. By setting the story 200 years ago, the territory is known and unfamiliar at the same time. Also, the time period brings another element to enhance the story - it forces a certain honest sense of time and technology. Our world today is interconnected - we're virtual, we're overnighting, we're tweeting, we're googling, we're just overall faster global community. So, now we're pulled into a quiet era where Atlantic trips take months.. letters get lost and change lives.. letters arrive mysteriously followed by equally mysterious people.. the world you know is the one in your backyard.

The protaganists - two practical British businessmen - are lured into this alternate realm with a key and a promise of gaining their hearts' desire. Sally and Tom, the orphaned neice and nephew, are lured by a subconscious calling that now surfaces. They discover hidden talents, and achieve recognition and acclaim for these unknown skills when they enter Yount. To get your head around Yount, there are special portals to access it, such as the Bermuda Triangle. There's no moon on Yount. Some of its people want to merge with the karket-soomi (our world), while others are hungry for power and domination.

The writing in this book is superb. There's representation of the Yountian language and traditions - the world and culture is well-defined and tight. The language used is poetic, crisp and erudite. I saw the nod to Lord of the Rings (sailors joking about Fred and Sam who had to return a ring to a mountain) and our favorite Hogwartian Professor Dumbledore. I'm sure there were others, which I could identify had I been more aware of the genre. The characters' values and belief are set to represent their own society. However, once out of nineteenth century England, one does loosen up a bit. It's intriguing to see the feminist twist on the characters from 1800 falling into a female dominated society, and reaching to the point with females holding the powers to save others. Rabuzzi also layers the fantasy with love stories, as well as political conspiracies. It's definitely set itself apart.

This is the first book of a trilogy so there are some threads left to tease and carryforth into the next book. There is a certain steadiness to the story and I could have used a glossary at certain times (e.g., exactly how does the fulginator work).

Once you enter the world that Rabuzzi has created, you're pulled into it quite easily and end up being in it for some time; I found myself wondering about different aspects throughout the day.

Five Thousand and One Year

For the past three years, my daughter has been enrolled in an Indian Cultural/Religious program on Sundays. The organization offers instructions for 4 languages and a culture class, which covers religion and India (geography, traditions, history). I like this organization for being professional and well coordinated for a volunteer group. We never had anything like this when I grew up, and I definitely like the results I see. My daughter's language skills are still lacking, but she's got a lot of confidence about her religion and heritage. She has a lot of friends there so it's positive social experience. I've gotten to know more people and enjoy my time there on Sundays. For two years, I've helped design and compile the program brochure for the annual show. It's usually a lot of last minute changes and late nights. This year, I've decided to give more by teaching a Culture 2 class (2nd graders). There is a lead teacher who did this for two years and there is a curriculum already in place. We just have freedom to enhance it.

Our primary topics right now are the 10 incarnations of the Hindu God Vishnu. (Nutshell: Hinduism has a trinity of Brahma the Creator, Vishnu the Protector/Preserver and Shiva the Destroyer. When the earth is in turmoil, Vishnu appears.) I've been a bit panicked because I don't know all 10 incarnations myself. So, I've been cramming before classes and researching online.

So, my research has brought me to this point - in great awe. When debates regarding Darwinism and Intelligent Design arose, I paused to think of what my religion says about this. I didn't give it much thought because there are so many myths and magical events, it didn't even make sense.

Now, looking at the Avatars of Vishnu, I see more here. If ancient Indian scientists determined that evolution of humans did exist, they needed a vehicle to carry forth their theories. Blanketing it in religion probably helped give the history its durability. We have the documented stories, but we also have oral traditions. Ram and Krishna stories are told in the cradle.

The Primordial Human Evolution
"No. Incarnation: Physical — Conscious evolution

1. Matsya-avtar or Fish: Water borne life — amoebae or primeval evolution.
2. Kurmavtar or Turtle: Water/Land borne life — amphibians.
3. Varahavtar or Boar: Land borne life — mammals.
4. Narshinghavtar or Human-lion: Semi-human — primates.
5. Vamanavtar or Dwarf: Homo erectus — primitive human.
6. Parshuram or Divine Seeker: Homo sapiens — conscious human.
7. Ram or Perfect Human: Homo sapiens — God conscious human; outer awareness.
8. Krishna or Supreme Yogi: Homo sapiens — Self-conscious human; inner awareness.
9. Buddha or Consciousness: Homo sapiens — Self-Realization; inner enlightenment.
10. Kalki (Christ) or Spirit Being: Homo spiritus — God-Realization; Resurrection (en masse spiritual evolution.)

For the actual story synopsis, here's one site. It's also fascinating how certain events seem to align with Bible stories, such as the story of the flood. I'm actually excited to learn all this because it hits one of the core points of Hinduism of tolerance. Rather than denouncing separating science from religion, it's actually bridging them. There was a reason and purpose behind every evolutionary advancement.

Five thousand years later, I'm passing the same stories down to a new generation.

Book Review: Abroad at Home

Desijournal was a lively website that addressed an Indian-American audience. Its articles were about the every day immigrant concerns with the observations and ironies of American life, as well as movie and book updates. Actually, I had a few book reviews published on their site when they were thriving. Coincidentally, I get to review the heart of Desijournal now.

Though the website is now defunct, the editor Nandini Pandya was able to lasso over 30 essays and short stories into a collection, Abroad at Home. It’s definitely an atypical collection because of the variance of work included. It begins with articles profiling Indian-Americans doing remarkable work, such as an active duty female soldier, a late-life artist and a Unitarian minister. There are personal essays covering topics from relationships with religion, parenting roles, as well as interactions with American society. There are some fictional stories and "Cab Driver" stands out in my mind.

Because some of these essays were originally online articles, they don’t have the polished type of writing one expects in such a collection. I enjoyed the stories, but I felt they could be stronger and more honed. On the other hand, the casual openness draws the reader, as if they were friends having a discussion. Some writers take a humorous view of certain situations. After reading a few stories, I was inclined to check out the authors’ websites, such as “Heartcrossings."

By the way, there is a different dimension to this publication effort. The articles started on the internet in an interactive forum. They were pulled together into a published book, the tangible form of the stories, which one carries. And, now the website promoting the book allows readers to comment on specific works in the books. Therefore, it's come full circle. Writing and reading are not solitary activities, but connected.

While this collection focuses on Indian immigrant experience, I've always felt the US immigrant experience is shared among ethnic communities. While the traditions and languages may be different, the culture shock and ideological struggles are always there. A thread of guilt runs through immigrants who feel as if they're giving up parts of themselves to become someone new. At what point do you feel you are you home?

It's also worth mentioning that the authors portray a more mature and more recent point of view of the immigrant experience. That extends it outreach, too. It's not just Indian parents who worry about their children becoming infatuated with designer labels. And, for the non immigrants, this would give them a different perspective on the Indian consultant in the corner cubicle.

Random Acts, Surprises

I was involved with 29Gifts.org project last year, in which you give something to someone for 29 days consecutively. I had extremely positive results during that time, and I've tried to make it part of my every day practice. (A gift doesn't need to be tangible item, but could be an email forwarded that helped someone else or even a compliment. It's an act of giving.)

I was travelling this week and found two opportunities to give and received warm results. The first was in line for coffee. I was waiting for mine, and the cashier took the order of the guy behind me. They were two friends, probably out of college, with the back packs and all, and like everyone else, they were in a rush at the airport. He needed to give $.17 and he was fumbling around with change in his pocket. He actually dropped some of his change into the fruit basket on the counter. The two guys were going back and forth "Where is it? Do you have it?" One of them was counting pennies out, while other was looking in the fruit basket.

Another cashier handed me back my change, which I checked. I turned around and placed a nickel in the one guy's open palm. They were so surprised because it worked out. I asked, "Is that all?" and they said "Yes! Thank you!" They both actually gushed about it. It was just a nickel! But, it really saved them time and they could run to their gate.

My second random act was on the return flight. It was a full flight, we were told. I had an aisle seat and another man was in the window seat. Then, a man came down the aisle and said "I'm right there. Oh boy!" He was about 6' and pretty large, so I first got up and let him in. He could barely get his legs in there and looked quite squished next to the other man, who was fairly tall too. I asked him, "Would you like to switch?"

"Do you mind?" he replied.

"Not at all. We'll all be comfortable then."

So, since I'm 5'2, I could comfortably sit in the middle between them and he was able to stretch better with the aisle seat. He thanked me so many times, and I'm sure the window seat guy was happier not having elbows and knees jabbing into him too. Really, we're all just numbers to the airline. We get what they give us.

Just a reminder it only takes a small action to make a large impact. Please take some time to go the 29Gifts website and watch her video.

The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done you a small favor wish that they might have done you a greater one. - Russell Lynes, editor/critic

A lady in a man's world

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.
- Marilyn Monroe

I'm drawn to this phrase because I love being a woman, and don't want to be a man. Though there are times I've looked upon with envy as the guys just go out for a beer with nary a thought of others, while my girlfriends and I are wrought with guilt and disaster scenarios before we leave the house. But, I'm happier being the complicated woman rather than a simple minded man (*ducks*)

In my previous career, I worked with all females. Never had any issues with female managers, and actually preferred it. I had a male intern complain to me he worried about sexism and didn't think he could advance in the female dominated environment.

Once I switched into IT, I felt the change immediately. To me, gender is more powerful than race. I walk into a conference room and do a quick scan of male to female ratio and it's always less. There may be more Asians than Caucasians, but that doesn't concern me so much.

When I first joined my current company, I was thrilled with my IT team. My technical manager was a woman with three grown children, so she knew what it was like to be a working mom. My network administrator was 5'1, 120lbs red-headed ball of steel - woe is the soul who asks for permission to change access rights! Everyone quivered before her and her word was final. There were other female developers on the team as well. There was great synergy among the smart and competent women; we did have one token male developer.

Fast forward some years and personnel has changed and borders expanded. My team is national with over 10 individuals, though I work with many more. On my technical team, we have only 2 women, and I'm the only mom. Yes, we have some fathers and grandfathers, but we all know that fathers are not equal to mothers.

Sometimes I get frustrated with the battle of bloated egos. And, it is very hard to keep up with the demands of IT as a working mother. Recently, I was guiding another developer through a lengthy process 20 minutes before my daughter's Indian dance started; my client called me en route to the performance. It's when my two worlds collide that I have a problem. Can I go out for a drink with my colleagues after work? Yes, but it has to be planned so arrangements can be made. (Though, I brought my daughter along to the last one when my former boss had come)

I was travelling this week and noticed that the business travellers on the flights were mostly men. One benefit: While I can pull my suitcase in the overhead compartment 90% of the time, if there's a tall man available for 10% of the time, I'll take his help. Second benefit: I don't take up much seat so I could squeeze into the middle comfortably between the big guys.

Chivalry came into play at a recent conference where the female attendance was low. So, if I was standing at the booth waiting, I got immediate attention. And, even some cavalier men said "Please go ahead," which was great for me.

So, just because I am in a career dominated by men, it doesn't mean I want to be a man. Still like being treated like a lady (although I have crawled under desks to plug in connections, if required).

Eloise Today

My daughter is an Eloise fan and loves the books, animated stories and movie; a live action film was done in 2003 with Julie Andrews as, of course, the Nanny. The stories take place in the 1950's Plaza Hotel and the central character is the rambuctious and precocious Eloise who lives there. What a dream, isn't it? To have the run of a hotel - order room service, have adults wait upon you - How awesome! Eloise's self importance and sense of adventure go beyond her 6 years. And the energy she has to climb stairs and elevators is remarkable.

We were watching the film on the Disney Channel the other night and a couple of things struck me. This story could only take place in 1950's. Mom is in Paris (we're not sure where Eloise's father is), but she's quite glamorous as she was once a debutante. She leaves her with Nanny, who is obviously not doing a good job if Eloise is running amuck in the hotel. Nanny relaxes in the evening by smoking and watching boxing and horse races, while enjoying her scotch.

Could there be a real life Eloise in 2009?

- Nanny would not have passed the background check --she must have some betting circuit going on the way she's so enthusiastic about races. The smoking and drinking while on duty would have also eliminated her.

- The new licensed Nanny would be driving Eloise to various lessons and classes everyday. That child has so much energy she should be channeling into dance, gymnastics, acrobatics and acting, since she has a flair for melodrama.

- Don't forget playdates to keep up her social interaction with her peers.

- In one way, I have to wonder if renting a room at the Plaza is cheaper than paying rent, maid service and take out in NYC?

- To keep Eloise in isolation at the Plaza, her tutors came to her. She might be taking some online tutorials if she needed to today.

- The Plaza would have put a stop to Eloise's antics on day 1 because she created risky situations that may result in potential legal ramifications against the hotel.

- Not to mention, there is probably stepped up security so unauthorized people couldn't enter the laundry rooms and kitchens.

- Mom would be emailing and IM'ing and texting the child constantly. She would want to make sure she had an active presence, if she couldn't physically be there.

I understand good heroes and heroines need to have absent parents in order to come forward and have adventures (e.g., killed by Valdemort, mysteriously disappear, tragically die). Also, kids like seeing other kids be bad. Eloise set the foundation for Junie B. Jones and probably Zack & Cody.

Max at Sea

I can imagine how much fun it was to write this one!
Max at Sea: newyorker.com is David Eggers' short story, which colors in the pictures drawn by Maurice Sendak in "Where the Wild Things Are." And, he colors outside the lines, which makes this more delightful to read.

By the way, I had mixed emotions about WTWTA when I was in kindergarten. I loved the creatures, the island, the boat.. I hated Max. I thought he was an obnoxious boy, who didn't listen and he talked back to his mother! How rude! When I was in my 20's I sought out the book to find that line that was so offensive. He had said to his mother "I'll eat you up!" That was it. In my mind, you never said something like that to an adult. And, I was sure that animal suit was smelly too.

So, now there's a film adaptation of the story. I just watched the trailer to this, and I'll have to say I'm intrigued because Max does not seem like the angry boy I described above, and as designed in Eggers' story. He seems like the lost dreamer who finds acceptance. The film looks beautiful and creatures are warm and cuddly, so my daughter will definitely enjoy this.

Finding Myself When I Knew Who I Was

Through Facebook, I got in touch with a friend from high school. I always remembered what she wrote in my yearbook - she would look forward to reading me in the New York Times. Well, that didn't exactly happen (not, yet that is!). In her note to me, after all these years, she remembers me as an artist.

Most people that know me today know me only as a writer, not an artist. My whole life I described my hobbies as "reading, writing and art." Actually, I was torn between art and writing, but I felt the urge to write was stronger. About 10 years ago, I decided to focus on my writing. And, once I got that going I'll go back to art. I'll take some courses, learn the proper way to water color, understand concepts. In my cubicle, I do have one of my watercolors hanging. I painted that in 1996.

This is not to say I haven't done anything creative - loved doing craft projects around the house. However, I haven't sat down to draw or paint. Now, my daughter is quite talented in writing and art. I'm blown away by her skills, especially at this age. Seeing her passion for drawing reminds me of the way I used to be. (Side note: there is a significant art gene in my father's side of the family, as a number of artists pop up among the cousins. Unfortunately, we don't have a strong math gene, hence the Kumon classes.)

Recently, a group of us started an arts & crafts group. This would be an excuse for the girls to come together once a month, sit and chat and do something creative. (I have to thank N. for taking the initiative to do this). She got simple wooden plates from Ikea, and we painted them in rangoli style. We didn't have time to do the details, so we took it away as homework. I got a white pen and would do a row or two every night while watching TV or talking. It was just soothing and it was a lovely distraction. The funniest part for me is that I noticed I was biting my bottom lip. When I drew or painted, I would always bite my bottom lip - it would be numb and/or swollen by the time I was done! Not only is art a soulful activity, there's a physical sense to it!

Here are pictures of the plate, and I'm still adding details. However, there has to be a point where I step back and stop. I'm going to move on to making some more plates/coasters.

More than having a pretty object, I'm really pausing now to think about who I was and who I am. Why am I not painting regularly? Well, technically speaking, I barely have time to write. How would I possibly paint? Row by row, perhaps? We've all seen Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" video, and he talks about going back to your childhood dreams. I definitely didn't imagine myself doing what I do today when I was kid (Actually, I couldn't have imagined this when I was 30!).I've wanted to be a poet since I was 8, and I'm still trying to get that going. I knew myself as an artist and it got lost in the shuffle of life. So, let's see.. maybe this is the next phase of finding yourself. Going back to when you knew who you were.

Life Lesson #1345 (Addendum)

I vowed after a fiasco last week at work that I will do what I know is right. I will not listen to others. Then, this morning, I listened to someone else and again, it back fired.

In the big picture, these two actions were small. Loopholes were found, which seemed justifiable for not doing them. Yet both of them led to bigger events. Doesn't an avalanche begin with one rock?

I have a saying posted on my monitor "Winners do what losers don't want to do." And, in these situation, I was listening to others who did not want to do something. I got this far by listening to my own voice, not others. They are not me. I am not them. I need to do what I know is right.

In our day to day activities, we'll always hit those moments when we have to decide what is right or wrong. I believe Bill Clinton said "Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should." (I'm terrible at direct quotes). There will always be temptations and doing what you have to do is not always what you want to do. But, you're better for it in the long run.

Addendum: I found the best quote: Doing what's right is not easy.

Slate Podcasts

So, I have new friends. We haven't met, but we spend a lot of time together. I've gotten to know them well, though I can't always tell their voices apart. I laugh at their inside jokes as if I were one of them.. they remind me of people I know,but then I don't (I never tell my friends they are "churlish," as my Slate friends tell each other.)

I plug into Stitcher.com and listen to my podcasts at work. I've written about this before, but I'm getting hooked onto Slate's political and culture gabfests. These are discussions between journalists/writers or whoever they are about the latest issues and news. They casually drop in "I read so and so's article in the Wall Street Journal about this.." I don't have time to read every single blog or article, so these are such wonderful people who filter it down for me.

I suppose this is the same type of familiarity anyone has with a celebrity, tv/radio hosts or anyone who enters your intimate space. You get a false sense of ownership and commradery.

Listening to my podcasts provides a nice relief within a hectic day. It allows me to gently escape from the stressful minutae of my world, and I'm reminded there is a world bigger than all that is on my plate.. I love the conflicting opinions and attitudes, which I can then share with my real world friends/family. Then I casually throw in the piece about the WSJ article.

Cooks Who Write and Writers Who Cook

So, it's not that I've ignored my blog readership - I just haven't had time or inspiration to blog (oh cursed the day that Facebook took over my waking hours!). After I saw "Julie & Julia" last night, I knew I had to get back on my blog.

Julie & Julia is such an easy and yummy movie to watch. Nora Ephron made the film interesting by paralleling the two stories, allowing them to dip in parts. You think they will cross over, but they don't. But, that's ok. That's real life.

The opening shot of Paris in 1950's made me melt. It seems all the elements were perfectly captured - the costumes, the culture, the buildings. And, of course, Meryl as Julia was so colorful and captivating, you were always looking forward to those sections over the darker Queens, NY sections. First of all, we are so lucky to live in the age of Meryl Streep. There's no actor who could transform into such a spectrum of characters (the only other one that comes to mind is Johnny Depp). Meryl decided she was going to make herself 6'2 and she did. Julia Child wasn't exactly the most graceful of women, and she showed that when she plunged her nose into dishes. Amy Adams' character was great, but she was "us" - the audience. The typical American stuck in a rote job and looking for an outlet, a boost. She takes the subway, she watches SNL and does other real people things. Her eggs fell and that let the audience know this was not an expert.
I saw this movie with a fellow blogger and we both cheered when Julie received her first comment. We know the excitement. We also know the uncertainty of blogging - "is anyone actually reading this? do you really care?"

I identified with her as a writer - struggling to balance everything and let writing take a lead role. I loved how she gave herself a deadline since that's my problem too. I need to know the start and end, so I can make everything happen in between.

I also identified with her as a cook, which I'm sure hit most people. We're holding our breathes hoping our dish will match the picture in the cookbook. By the way, I rarely follow a recipe exactly. I always improvise or add something else to it to make it more palettable. My husband prefers I follow it to the T else it's not Traditional (then it's Raditional, which sounds like Radical).

By the way, I had heard about Julie Powell when her book came out and loved the idea. Loretta Lynn said "You have to be first, best or different." Julia Child and Julie Powell did all three.

And, oh yeah. The food. This movie follows the tradition of food lust movies, which we all love - "Babette's Feast", "Eat Drink Man Woman." We don't have to cook anything, we don't have a kitchen to clean, we can smell and taste the food off the screen, and there are absolutely no additional calories consumed!

Addendum on Introspection

I'm in love with Jason Mraz's song "I'm Yours". This verse rings so true for me:

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror

And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer

But my breath fogged up the glass

And so I drew a new face and laughed

I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason

To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons

It's what we aim to do

Our name is our virtue

The New 40

So, Jennifer Aniston, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Lopez, Renee Zellweger and myself have something in common. Memorable red-carpet fashion moments? It’s possible, but that’s not it. We all turn 40 this year.

I’m not one to hide my age. At the gym, I always entered my real age into the elliptical machine; weight, you can lie about, not age. Every year that I have accrued is worth remembering. I’ve always been mistaken for being younger than I am. I’m always happy to show my ID.

At the stroke of midnight on January 1st this year, I lost it. Now I realized that 40 is here. My friends keep reminding me “Age is a number. It’s what’s in your heart.” “Oh, 40 is the new 30”.

For me, I’ve always had 40 as the definitive marker. “When I’m 40, I’m going to do..” “When I’m 40, I’ll finally be able to..” It’s here. And, I’m not ready to or haven’t done all those things. I was upset because the finish line came and I’m not ready for it. I cringed when my friends asked me about the big “4-0”. I’m on the verge of tears on the treadmill punching in my real age. Since I was 10 years old, I always upgraded myself to the next year one month prior to my birthday. Now, I was telling people, “I still have 7 more days to be in my 30’s”. My daughter gave me extra time as a gift "It's only 1pm. You're not 40 yet because it's not 9 o'clock, when you were born. You're still 39."

June was a fabulous month for me as I definitely enjoyed celebrating with different friends and family through series of events. More assuring and powerful was the love and affection I received from everyone. If I look over my shoulder, I see 40 years of wonderful people behind me, and I’m blessed to have those stepping beside me and others leading me.

I also realize now I need to adjust my goals and not put an age on it. And, practically speaking, there have been some changes from where I was in January to where I am in June. My career and personal goals have been more refined, and become more attainable. Doors that were closed are being opened. It’s up to me how and when I enter.

Also, I realize I don’t want to be 30 again. I want to be the new 40.

Now, where's my Oil of Olay eye gel?

Kumon, You're Killing Me!

When I tell you we’re doing Kumon this summer, you will have one of three reactions:
1) What took you so long? You should have had her enrolled before she started kindergarten!
2) Are you kidding? What do you want - a little robot? It’s repetition. Rinse, lather, repeat.
3) Kumon? What is that? Does it come with wasabi?

Usually the third response comes from people without children or non-Asians. Kumon is extremely popular among Asian parents because it reflects the method of teaching effective in Asian countries. Memorization and repetition is the way many people were taught. One million Asian engineers and techies can’t be wrong, right?

In our public schools, EveryDay Math is being taught. We were confused by subtraction methods this year, and asked the teacher about it. She pointed out they show children different ways to tackle a problem and one method may work better than another for the child. So many options! So many confused parents!

I resisted Kumon wave for some time because I didn’t think it was necessary to pay $100 a month for 1st grade math. If I have to sit with my daughter to make sure the work is done, we can just do worksheets. However, second grade moved quite quickly and the teacher emphasized the need for her to solidify her basic math skills. Her report card reflected this as a weak point. So I conceded. We want to make sure she stays at the right level, consistent and confident. If she gets discouraged now, it’ll be a hang up for always (actively raising my hand as someone who knows!) Plus, in 3rd grade, the standardized testing will start and she’ll need to perform well within a timed situation. She can’t daydream her way through this.

Other parents have told us how their child surpassed their peers thanks to Kumon. Others raved over the structure and discipline, which helped set the foundation.

Our friends’ daughter works at the local Kumon center as a teaching aide. This would be one positive aspect for my daughter feeling comfortable there. The deal with Kumon is that there is homework every night and center visits twice a week. There’s no vacation from it. There’s always homework, which takes about 15-20 minutes.

The reality is that it’s really tough. The homework is annoying – 4+6, 5+6, 8+6. There are 10 pages of the same problems. So, obviously she complains she’s tired of 6’s. They start the child at a lower level so they can build their confidence.

She hates Kumon. She’s whined, cried, stalled for time, offered to help me pull weeds instead. Yes, just about every trick possible. I’m trying to use some of our positive motivations from Suzuki violin. I don’t want the “Just do it because you have to do it.” I don’t want her to feel like this is a punishment.

Some things that have worked:
- chocolate cake, ice cream or a dessert at the completion
- reciting the answers aloud (she does different accents)
- using the timer on my iPhone (I would surprise her with different ringtones at intervals)
- sitting with her and doing the same problems and comparing answers
- doing the homework into different rooms, changing up the environment.

I don’t see this as a long term commitment as I’m taking one session at a time. Let’s get through the summer and maybe a month or two in the fall. Yes, she doesn't like it and I probably sound like a mean parent. But, seriously, I used to have to sit with my father at night to review fractions and math problems, all the way until high school calculus. I hated it, but I needed it. I do want her to find the drive herself to want to do it.

I’ve been greatly disappointed that I haven’t found any resources online for Kumon parents. If you have suggestions, please let me know.

Poetry Book Reviews

Here are links to two recent poetry book reviews I did for SAWNET (South Asian Women's Network)

Dipika Mukherjee's "The Palimpsest of Exile"

Anupama Mohan's "Twenty Odd Love Poem"

Kriti Festival Follow up

I had a wonderful time at DesiLit's Kriti Festival in Chicago this weekend. It was an event that brought together prestigous writers with up and coming writers, as well as the readers who love South Asian lit. For me, it was an opportunity to meet and be inspired by the other participants. And, were it not for US Airways baggage fees and my husband's warning about buying more books, I would've snatched up every book there!

After going to a number of readings and discussions where "must read" books were mentioned, I'll highlight a few of the books I want to read. (This will serve as my wish list for later)

"Cracking India" by Bapsi Sidwa - So I lied. I read this already. But, it's one that I highly recommend in order to get a better understanding of the India-Pakistan Partition. I'll always remember the profound impact of this book because I was reading it Sept 2001. Even though I had seen the movie "Earth", I suddenly understood how Lenny's world turned upside down in one day and everyone is suspect. As a side note, Bapsi Sidwa is still elegant and poised at her age. And, you have to admire a woman of her generation who talks about reading books on her Kindle!

"The Match" and "Monkfish Moon" by Romesh Gunesekera - He read excerpts from these two books; I'm not familiar with his work, but his writing has a certain charm.

"House for Mr Biswas" by VS Naipaul - Amitava Kumar and Bapsi Sidwa both discussed Naipaul's writing and I know Shashi Tharoor has written a lot about the man. I'm moving Naipaul up a notch on my "to read" list.

"Haunting Bombay" by Shilpa Agarwal - Her story steps away from the typical stories with a twist with ghosts, encompassing the historical and legends.

"Leaving Home" by Minal Hatrajwala - This is a personal account of three generations of her family's journey out of India and into various parts of the world including Fiji, New Zealand, and the US.

"Disobedient Girl" by Ru Freeman - Her book is coming out this summer! I missed my friend Ru's reading, but know this story will bring in the flavors and energy of Sri Lanka in so many contexts.

"Love Marriage" by VV Ganeshananthan - This book also dives into Sri Lanka and focuses on families, making the war more personal and recognizable to the readers.

Poetry by Amit Chaudhuri - Amitava Kumar read some of these poems. I'm pretty sure we have some of his stories on my shelf so I have to make my way to them.

"Meatless Days" by Sara Suleri - Another book that was recommended, and I remember my friend Julie talking about Sara Suleri years ago.

"White Tiger" by Aravind Adiga - OK, I'm not sure what to do about this book. Do I read it because it's been so notable and acclaimed? But some people who have read it have issues with it, so do I read it and end up frustrated? What's the point then? Should I just go read Amitav Ghosh's critique of this book instead?

"Pickwick Papers" by Charles Dickens. Of course we should the classical British writers too.

"Ask Me About My Divorce" anthology by Seal Press. I came across this book today on the web and it includes "Sita's Eyes" by R M Hora (I googled more and confirmed it's Reenita Malhotra Hora). Seems like a powerful collection in general.

Other sites to make note of:

Writing the Lines of Our Hands

Fishouse Poetry

Sita Sings the Blues
(I didn't get to watch this fully, but when I do, y'all will hear about it! It's absolutely creative and beautifully put together!)

On a personal note, I had a great time interacting with other writers and readers. It was refreshing to meet someone and be asked "So, what do you write?" And, then maybe 10 minutes later or even 2 days later, he or she asks "By the way, what do you do for a living?"

I can't remember the last time I was in a bar discussing literature and politics or talking about book covers and writing process over dinner. I found such energy and enthusiasm for the arts. I have two action items from this event. First one is to organize and create a literary community close to home. The "real housewives and husbands" in the 'burbs like to read too! My other take away from this event is that I will focus and finish my short stories. I've been writing poetry because that's what comes to me, and I've been refining my manuscript. It's time to leap out of my comfort zone and write that South Asian vampire cowgirl story that needs to be told.

Obama’s Address in Cairo

This is truly a new page upon which history is being written.

President Obama (six months later, I still feel like it's not real) stepped into Saudi Arabia, and is not being afraid to recognize its Islamic importance as a country. His speech in Cairo is definitely an important event.

I was listening to his speech at work, and this jarred me. I found a complementary quote, which is just as profound

It's a story with a simple truth: violence is a dead end...That is not how moral authority is claimed; that is how it is surrendered
- President Obama

Moral authority is never retained by any attempt to hold on to it. It comes without seeking and is retained without effort.
- Mahatma Gandhi

I also found the closing of his speech beautiful and balanced. As a religious minority in the US, I'm always conscious of Judeo-Christian references. So, this was remarkable.

We have the power to make the world we seek, but only if we have the courage to make a new beginning, keeping in mind what has been written.

The Holy Koran tells us: "O mankind! We have created you male and a female; and we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another."

The Talmud tells us: "The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace."

The Holy Bible tells us: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." (Applause.)

The people of the world can live together in peace. We know that is God's vision. Now that must be our work here on Earth.

Side note to scriptwriters: Couldn't we have thrown in something about love and peace from the Hindu scriptures? I know, I know, we were recognized during the Inaugural speech.

I was listening to Geoffrey Nunberg on NPR's Fresh Air yesterday. They were discussing the importance of words as defining eras. 1960's were war, peace, love.. 1970s were spiritual and disco. The first decade of this century will be defined by politics, and how words are transformed, distorted and used until the original meaning has been shaken out. He pointed out that Obama used words like "hope" and "change" which don't have a distinct definition - thus their endurance and power.

Kriti Festival in Chicago

If you're in the Chicago area, I hope you'll come to Kriti Festival June 11-14 at University of Illinois.

The best reason to come is to meet me!

Ok.. there will be other writers there too. For those following my side passion for writing, I'm extremely excited to be a panelist at this conference. I've attended many writing conferences over the years, and this is the first time I'll be on the other side of the table.

I'm also looking forward to meeting some extremely talented South Asian writers.

Memorial Day

The Big Parade

- 10,000 Maniacs

Detroit to D.C. night train, Capitol, parts East.

Lone young man takes a seat.
And by the rhythm of the rails, reading all his mother's mail from a city boy in a jungle town postmarked Saigon.

He'll go live his mother's dream, join the slowest parade he'll ever see. Her weight of sorrows carried long and carried far.

"Take these, Tommy, to The Wall."

Metro line to the Mall site with a tour of Japanese.

He's wandering and lost until a vet in worn fatigues takes him down to where they belong.

Near a soldier, an ex-Marine with a tattooed dagger and eagle trembling,

he bites his lip beside a widow breaking down.

She takes her Purple Heart, makes a fist, strikes The Wall.

All come to live a dream, to join the slowest parade they'll ever see.

Their weight of sorrows carried long and carried far, taken to The Wall.

It's 40 paces to the year that he was slain.

His hand's slipping down The Wall for it's slick with rain.

How would life have ever been the same if this wall had carved
in it one less name?

But for Christ's sake, he's been dead over 20 years.

He leaves the letters asking,

"Who caused my mother's tears, was it Washington or the Viet Cong?"

Slow deliberate steps are involved. He takes them away from the
black granite wall toward the other monuments so white and clean.

O, Potomac, what you've seen. Abraham had his war too, but an honest war.

Or so it's taught in school.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The most memorable line from this song is "How would life have ever been the same if this wall had carved in it one less name?"

One name has many names and faces and lives behind it. We are so connected to each other. We have a military loss in our family from almost 40 years ago, and the impact of the one death permeated the lives of family members. Critical events occurred that would not have had he survived.

We went to Washington DC last month to see the Cherry Blossom Festival. We walked towards Lincoln Memorial, passing through the World War II Memorial. We went to the Vietnam Memorial, which I've seen every time I've been there. And it's always shocking to see the sheer number of names present.

However, I got chills this time. What is the Iraqi War Memorial going to be? How many names are we going to see?

How great is eight!

What a difference a few months makes. Annika's "Mother" phase has long since ended. The speaking in monotone with minimum lip movement is quite common, as are the enthusiastic stories.

Skincare
So, she was looking in the mirror making faces, pulling her cheeks up and down. I told her, "Stop doing that."
"Why?"
"Because."
"Because your face will get stuck that way?"
"No, because you'll stretch out your skin." (I don't like to lie and would rather teach good habits early)
"Oh, your skin will become droopy? Like yours?"
"We have a bus to catch! Let's go!"

Allergy
So, it's April, sun is shining, bees are busy, blossoms in bloom and pollen is thriving. Once year, I get a big allergy attack. My eyes get swollen, possible hives.. and other things that qualify as TMI. I made it through dinner, barely through homework and then just gave up. I took a wet napkin and put it on my eyes and lay on the couch in my agony.

Annika picked up the phone and went to the fridge. "Mommy's lying down. She needs cucumbers for her eyes. We don't have cucumbers. Mommy, do you want salad?"

When my husband came home, I forced myself to lie in my darkened bedroom. My little nurse came upstairs.

"Here's your phone. In case someone calls you from work." (Please, if someone calls me, I can't even open my eyes, let alone talk!)

"Here's a bowl of carrots. Carrots are good for your eyes." Excellent logic!

We still needed to practice violin, so she played it for me. Since I couldn't open my eyes, I let her play on. I could hear where she had missed notes, but I couldn't say anything. She struggled, but she kept at it. After the concert she said she really liked it because I didn't interrupt her.

Fashionista
My daughter has been a fashionista since she was 2. I remember buying stacks of purple clothes because that's all she wanted to wear when she was two and I was tired of arguing. I walked into her room when she was 3 and saw her with a pair of scissors and the bag of new summer clothes. She was cutting off the tags. Dressing for school has always been a struggle as we try to find middle ground on clothes. There have been tears, tantrums and explosions.. and sometimes she gets upset too.

There was a 50's day at school and she wanted a poodle skirt. I told her we can't get a poodle skirt, but fortunately we have enough poofy skirts and dresses (thanks to a steady supply from my mom and her sisters). She looked adorable with her hair in a scarfed ponytail and pink dress that had stiff petticoats underneath.

There was a Health Day at school with dentalcare presentation and she instructed me to pack a healthy lunch. First, she asked for a salad. I convinced her a turkey sandwich was equally healthy (when do 2nd graders eat salad only for lunch?) Then, she asked what should she wear for health day. Come again? I told her to wear green because it sounded like a "healthy" look. She liked that idea and wore a green top.

She's also my personal stylist. My sister always guided me on clothes. Then, my husband guided me on shoes. And, now I have my 4' child picking out my jewelery and outfits. I've seen other shoppers smile at us, when they hear this child announcing "Oh, this would go with your blue shirt." Sometimes she's right. She told me I dress drab and boring with my darks and neutrals. I need more pink and sparkle in my life.

Yes, I look at this girl and wonder where she came from at times. In one way, the less she can be like me the better - I love her surprising individuality and enthusiasm for everything.