You Gotta Have Friends!

Oprah's magazine this month deals with friendship, and since she forgot to ask me to write something, I decided I'd go ahead now.

"The language of friendship is not words but meanings."
Henry David Thoreau
I've been thinking about friends because there have been changes in our friend circles in the last 5 years. We had a fairly large group of close friends. We met regularly to hang out, we all climbed on a bus to midwest for someone's wedding, another had a premature baby and we rushed to the hospital. Since everyone had left home behind, friends now become family. Unfortunately, due to pettiness, immaturity and pretentious behavior, the friendship dissolved. It was hard and hurtful. We always felt it was their loss for having misappropriated priorities.

We bumped around with some other friends in the area, but we missed the momentum. Fortunately, we've found a new group of energetic friends. This group has more promise for longevity as we are at similar stages in our lives with careers, homes, children and have common interests. Since we're all over 35, we are comfortable with ourselves and relationships with others. There's no room for jealousy or pretentious behavior.

I've seen my parents weave in and out of friend circles throughout their lives. However, there are some faces that are always there. I'm hoping the same for us.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. "
C. S. Lewis
Work has been very stressful for me lately. It's not supposed to be like this and is physically and emotionally absorbing (it is a blog unto itself!) I've found keeping in touch with my friends throughout the day is keeping me motivated and grounded.

Last week my friend called to catch up and after I hung up, I ran into my colleague. He asked me why I was smiling. I said I didn't know I was smiling. He said, "Yeah you've got such a big smile going on." (as opposed to my new found perpetual frown!) I told him I was just talking to a friend. He knows me so he had to ask, "Oh, so you're meeting for drinks?" I told him, "No, but it was a good idea!"

And, it's wonderful because the connection came at a time when I felt disconnected and submerged under pressure. It reminded me of my life outside of work and I felt energized.

I have some other girlfriends and we email regularly -- just to vent, talk about new purchases, etc. It's crazy type of relationship because we're in 3 different states and the other girls have never met each other! I'm the only connection they have; I introduced them all because I was getting tired of telling each of them that she reminded me of the other.

Again, it's connection that reminds me of my place in the world. I'm not confined to my desk or the physical building.

Ah, how good it feels! The hand of an old friend.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I'm thrilled that communication between myself and some old friends has jump-started, either through phone calls or emails. It's so amazing that we may not have spoken in months or years, but we definitely can pick up the conversation where we left it. That is the beauty of old friendships. Trying to coordinate a meeting is another story!!

"True friends stab you in the front. "
- Oscar Wilde
This is a topic my friend and I discussed the other day. I suppose as like-minded women, we have to analyze things until it's raw. Yes, couldn't we just enjoy the mango without digging for the pit? Of course, but if we didn't do this we wouldn't know the pit was there and get hurt later when we bit into it. Therefore we analyse and dissect.

Annika and T have been best friends since the baby room at daycare. They were practically joined at the hips since they could toddle. When they were 3, the teacher told me they were mad at each other one day, yet they refused to be apart from one another. So, still mad, they had to sit together. Around that time, Annika started doing her own hair. She put a pin or something in her hair and T said, "Annika, that looks dumb." T's mom was there and apologized for the comments she's picking up from her big brother.

However, that's actually what friends do. She should tell you, "Girl, you should not wear your hair like that." And if she's older than 3, she could show you how you can look your best.

When I was in college, I remember I confided everything in Jim and Luis. When I talked to Jim, he would tell me what I wanted to hear, which was comforting - "I can't believe that! That's unbelievable. You don't deserve that." Luis, on the other hand, would be straight with me and tell me what I needed to hear -- "Look, you gotta do it. It's not easy, but you just have to. "

The challenge to this level of honesty in friendships is knowing if the person is ready to handle this. I know someone else who ended one relationship and has settled into another for the wrong reasons. It's hard for her friends to see her with the new partner.

So, being the honest, upfront, let-me-tell-ya-the-truth kinda friend is only effective when the other person is ready. You can throw the ball into her court, but she's gotta be ready to accept the ball. It's all about timing.

There was another quote that I can't find.. the friends we have are reflections of ourselves.